blessed

have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?<3

there are three people who have come into my life the last few years who have touched my heart in the greatest way. and no matter where life takes us, no matter where the road may lead, I know I have found a true friendship in each of these women. And each day when I think about how much they mean to me, how much they touch my heart and how much they have made me a better person, I truly feel blessed.

carolyn, jill and tams<3

7.24.11

have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it get better than tonight? <3

a night I will always remember for the rest of my life.

some days I feel so stressed and like everything is such an epic fail. but when I watch this video I always feel so much better about myself<3 this is one of the videos that made me admire Carolyn so much. "I don't want anything to do with anyone who wants nothing to do with me because of the way I look"

crazy week

Whew. It's been a crazy couple of weeks emotionally. The last few weeks have been harder, though. Let me break it down:

I'm a sophomore a private college and tuition is like $30,000 a year (commuting). It's all covered by scholarships for the most part and a couple of loans here and there. Last year, I lived on campus and it was great. The school is a commuter school for the most part, so it doesn't exactly have a real campus. Anyway, it was great last year. But living there plus tuition is like 42,000 a year. So this year, I didn't want to take out loans so I decided to live at home. Three words: HELL ON EARTH. Seriously! So I made the mistake of taking an 8am class on MWF. Not my smartest moment at all. And so I'm up at 6:20, out of the house by 7. And like lately I've been feeling that it's such a waste. If I'm commuting every day and super miserable, then there's no point. So towards the end of last year, I was looking at universities to transfer to but nothing ever came of it. So the last few weeks, I've been searching high and low for a university around here.

Because I was literally lose it if I have stay at this school, living at home until next Fall. And it wouldn't be so bad if everyone at home left me alone, but they don't. I'm all for helping out my sibling but I'm not here to please them. I have two jobs, volunteer and go to class. And I have homework so I don't have time to make my world go around them. And it's really frustrating for me because my grandparents are so religious. Like the type who go to Church every Sunday without fail. And I was raised Christian, going to religious ed every week and Church. But now, I've hit a point where I'm not sure what I believe. And they don't get that. They think I should believe what they believe and they think I should go to church with them. But my idea is: why go to something I'm not even sure I believe in.

So there's the back story. So last week, I got my acceptance letter for Bridgewater. It's a public university about 30 minutes from here. I've literally been waiting for the acceptance for three weeks. And I don't talk about it with my grandmother because she doesn't want me to go or whatever. And it's so infuriating because she doesn't help pay for my tuition bills or another. I do that all on my own with my two jobs. And despite what she thinks, it's stressful. So I didn't even tell her how I applied there, or how I already told my current university, I'm not coming back for the spring. And the odd part is that the rest of my family is supportive. They want me to be in a place where I'm happy and thriving and working to get my degree. So I'm able to talk about it with my 2 aunts, my mom, my uncle and his wife. And on Saturday, I went to visit my two cousins and my uncle and his wife was asking about school and what's going on. And I can actually tell them.

And then even though my grandmother doesn't want me to go, she has been hounding about visiting. She wanted to go on Sunday but I was like, that's my only "me day" so I was going to ask her about today, and then she got into attitude so I was like whatever. And then last night she was mad about how everyone else knows about me going to this new university but it's like, they don't complain. They listen and accept my choice.

And like although it is a public university, it is known for education ( my major), and to live there plus tuition is HALF of what the private one is.

It's just been super frustrating and I can't wait for January<3

DERK AND MY HERO. DEAD.

DEAD. JUST SO DEAD. DERK TALKING ABOUT MY CAROLYN<3 IM SO DEAD.

three years ago today.

((Okay, so since it's October 1st on the east coast, the first Saturday of October, I'm putting this up because there is so much I want to say))

Three years ago tonight I met my idol<3 10.4.2008. And yes, I know it's not the 4th but it was the first Saturday in October. The way everything fell into place on the weeks leading up to the date I'll never forget was so special. So tons of GH stars were coming to Boston: Bradford, Brandon, Sebastian Roche & others. I was going to see B.B and B.A because this was technically my first GH event. I hadn't planned to see Sebastian but a few weeks before the events, Sebastian had to back out and I remember reading the email from Debby OConnor saying that Carolyn was filling in. LIKE words cannot express what this meant. I was junior in high school, just struggling through school. And I was only 16 so I couldn't go to FCW and meet her and stuff. And I was so worried that I'd never be able to meet her. Carolyn had been someone I admired because of what she had said in interviews and plus I loved her on GH. And like she kinda knew who I was because we had chatted on her message board and stuff (at this time, the people who ran her site still were active). So the night finally came and I will never never forget it.

So before her event started, I went to leave the room for a second and as I opened the door, there she was. I nearly died. I was like "oh my gosh Carolyn." And one of the people who works for Debby was like, you don't want to miss Carolyn's entrance. So then there was Q&A and then she went around to tables. We were last so we could get time with her. And I was such a hot mess. So someone (I don't even remember who now) was like this is Erika. And Carolyn was all like "get up right now.." and she made me hug her. And all I remember is her sitting next to me and asking me how I liked her books and it was amazing.

NEVER did I think three years later, I'd still be talking to her. As annoying as some parts were of my trip to L.A this summer was, seeing my idol and talking with her about everything made it all worth it. Like I've seen a lot of people call their idols their BFF and whatever but I can't do that. Like we're on different levels completely but I know that Carolyn has become such a friend and I almost have to pinch myself to make sure it's real.

I feel completely blessed, especially today, and everything that I've had to put up with is truly worth it.

picture challenge: day thirty

day 20: a picture of your favorite quote

THIS. It sums up everything I believe in and feel.

I think one of my favorite lines in this is "life is about the people you meet."

I have met some amazing people & they will be my life long friends. They've stood by me when I needed them and to put it more simply, they have changed my life.

picture challenge: day twenty nine

day twenty nine: a picture that makes you smile.

HI BFF! hahaha. This one was so hard for me but I picked this one. It was from GH weekend and this was one of my favorite days from the whole weekend. It was at the Luncheon & when Carolyn was on stage, she pointed to me. And like they moved her around the Luncheon room and when I finally got to her, she asked me how I was and she hugged me. And like, this picture is so cute. I just adore her so much<3