2:30 AM Thoughts

I decided I was going to start blogging more even though no one really reads my blog, it's a good way for me to just think outloud, well here...you get the picture. Probably my best and worst quality is that I'm too kind. Good in the way that I'm always there for my friends and family when they need me but also it's my worst quality because it hurts my heart when those same actions are not reciprocated. In July, I talked privately with someone and in those 15 minutes alone with her, she genuinely cared about my life, about my plans and ABOUT ME. And I honestly cannot remember the last time someone did that. I don't expect a lot from people but when I care about someone, I at least expect them to care about me in return. There's a few people I want to talk generally about, people who have brought up these unsettling feelings within me.

1. A few years ago, I met someone who at the time was in all accounts a good friend. But recently, even though I've been extremely happy with the things going on in my life, it didn't feel as if she was happy for me. And I've realized maybe it's jealousy, who knows. But after awhile, it becomes exhausting when you are happy yet your "friend" doesn't share that. I've become tired of always reaching out. Maybe she'll get the hint, or maybe she won't.

 2. I have been planning my September trip to LA since about May. I bought tickets for Blake Shelton here at home and I invited my aunt. But over these last few months, it doesn't seem as if we're close at all. I'm always the one reaching out, calling. If it wasn't for me calling, I'd never hear from her. I've been stressing out lately about my return flight from LA and have been like "Oh, I have to get home for the concert" and all this and that. Today I realized why should I even care. Why should I cut my trip to LA short to rush home to attend a concert with someone who doesn't reach out to me. Maybe she'll get the hint and reach out to me. If she does, great...if not, then that's her loss.

 3. Probably the one that hurts more than anything else. My aunt and I have always been close. She's been like the sister I don't have, friend and mom my whole life. She was having problems in her life a few months ago and then there was such a shift. We used to hang out all the time and suddenly we didn't. At the time, I was going through my own stress but it finally subsided when I got a job that I just love. And the same applies here, if I don't reach out to her, I don't hear from her. Why is that? Why do I always have to be the one to care about people. Not that anything exciting is going on in my life...basically work and sleep right now but it's the thought. Anyway, back to the story. When she stayed with us for a few days in June, she was constantly on her phone texting like some high school aged girl. I knew right then she had a man in her life. Good for her, great for her honestly. But when you become so self obsorbed in your personal life that you no longer take time for family, people begin to notice.

It's just heavy on the heart to know that someone I see maybe four times a year if I'm lucky took more interest in my life and ME than the people who are supposedly closest with me, it strikes a nerve. And maybe I'm oversensitive. That could always be the case. Or it could just have opened my eyes. In the meantime, I've de-friended the three above. I'm sure they'll notice that and I'll get messages like: are you mad? Why did you defriend me? I haven't thought about what I'll say but hopefully something witty will come to me. If anything at all, I hope it opens their eyes to their behavior. Maybe it will and maybe it won't but I am glad I am able to see it for what it is. It's 2:30 AM, I'm exhausted. Maybe I'll try going to bed now.