In Love...

I've never been an emotional person. I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have ever seen my cry. I do this thing where I try to fight it and if I'm with anyone, I try to stop myself from crying as much as humanly possible. But lately, especially tonight, I feel overcome with emotion. And the strangest part of that is it just came out of nowhere.

Everything has just been incredibly weird lately. I find myself smiling at the stupidest of things and overall, I just feel this happiness. Of course there are always those moments at work when I want to throttle college aged kids but for the most part there's just been this happiness. I'm not really used to it. It's just really weird for me. If anyone would have told me a month ago that a simple message from him would light up my day, I probably would have laughed. But it's true. Even when he's not around, just talking to him....happiness kinda consumes me.

Everything is a lot duller when he's not around. And when he is? Everything is ten times brighter. And we don't even really have to be doing anything. It's just really nice to sit with him and know he's there. Gosh, that just may be the sappiest thing I've ever written. But whatever, my emotions are kind of just pouring out.

For a long time, I thought I was in love once. But it was nothing like this. And even though I just saw him a few short hours ago, I totally miss him. A lot.

Okay, I'll try to reign in my sappiness.

Trust.

It's just going to be a heavy blog post sort of night.

The last few weeks have been such a whirlwind that I don't really now how to feel about any of it. I lost a dear friend and I can put a brave front on about the whole thing and say it doesn't bother me but part of it does. I have some character flaws but being a good friend isn't one of them. I'm that person who people can call no matter if it's 10pm or 9am. It gives me a little bit of solace that one day this said person will realize what exactly they missed out on.

 I have a small circle of close friends for a few reasons. One being I don't like my life being on display to people. And two I don't like running the risk of being hurt by those who once meant something to me. This year I've felt a lot of that. There have been people that have hurt me tremendously either by their words or their actions and each time it happens, it feels like a small piece of your heart is being chipped away. My last relationship really did a number on my heart. At one time, I truly believed in my heart that I would never have to meet another person romantically. Over time, he had my trust but eventually I learned that trust was misplaced on so many levels. And then most recently losing a friend who I trusted incredibly. I trusted that our friendship would be strong and would always remain.

I can feel myself slipping into trusting someone again. As much as I vowed up and down I wouldn't. Not again. Each time that trust is broken, it feels like you're losing a part of yourself. As if you wasted you time on someone who didn't deserve your love, attention, affection, what have you, to begin with.

My heart is tired and my head is confused.

Being Extremely Grateful

I was going to do one big blog post but they're two pretty unrelated things so I figured I'd do two separate ones.

The news of Robin Williams is one that is unbelievably sad. Usually celebrity deaths do not affect me one way or another. They are people who live completely different lives and we only know them via the character they portray in shows or movies. But what is so utterly sad is the fact that Robin Williams made us all laugh yet he dealt with this overwhelming sadness which no one will ever know how great that sadness was. But what is even worse than that is that he felt this overwhelming sadness that he could not escape and the only escape he had was to take his own life.

A few years ago I was a completely different person. I'll premise it by saying I don't know if it was depression, maybe it was, maybe it wasn't.  I just remember feeling such a sadness, a sense of alone. I was an easy target for my peers. I kept to myself, didn't get involved in high school drama, and wasn't the most attractive person to walk the halls. And things at home weren't much better. Between those two forces, I felt this incredible sadness. I felt really alone. I look back on it now, part of it had to do with the fact that I just was more mature than a lot of my peers. I didn't have the energy or care enough to get involved with all the drama. Even that being the case, I was an easy target. Thinking about one instance in particular still makes me tear up a little, this one girl was constantly on me. I came home some days and just cried. In my head I knew it was only temporary but at the time, it felt like it would never end.

I remember one day very clearly. I was in my basement watching General Hospital and this spunky red-haired woman appeared on the TV. I remember thinking "I like her" even though she was just some character on TV. Little did I know at that time she would become such a huge part of my life. At the time, I had no idea that within two years, she would become a dear friend.

Time would pass and I would continue to follow her on the show. And she would do these interviews that would really speak to me. She was more than just someone who played a kickass character on TV, she would be someone I'd to at least meet. I remember sitting in front of my laptop one day, playing one of her interviews where she said "I don't want anything to do with anyone who doesn't want anything to do with me because of the way I look. They are not people of good character and therefore I don't want to associate with them." That has really stuck with me. Even 5 or 6 years later. I don't remember how it started but we began exchanging emails. Then one fall day I got an email about her being in town for a personal appearance. I was so excited. I would finally get to meet someone who I admired, someone who I exchanged countless emails with. I will remember that day for the rest of my life. I was with a bunch of at the time friends when she approached us. Most of them had already met her but she knew who I was right off the bat. She made me stand and gave me the biggest hug imaginable. We all laughed at that table for and when the night was coming to a close, it was sad. But I was incredibly thankful for that day. The next year she came back again and our friendship grew. One summer when I was in LA, she invited me to dinner at her home. I was such in shock. I was in company of her closest friends. We laughed so much that night. Then again last summer she invited me over to her home for dinner. I remember standing in her kitchen, just talking about life, work and anything and everything in between. I smile when I think about the picture we took in her kitchen.

I have also been lucky enough to become friends with one of her friends, who is hands down one of the funniest people I have ever met in my entire life. But aside from her wit, she is the most genuine person. She does funny like no one I've ever met. I've learned a lot from her. Her take on life, friends, just everything is so on point. I will always be forever grateful to Carolyn to introducing me to the sweetheart that is Alex.

I was lucky. I had two amazing people come into my life. People who I value as dear friends.

I'm a different person than I was all those years ago. Am I still insecure about a lot of things? Sure am. Do I wish I was taller, prettier, maybe a little funnier? Sure do. But I don't let those insecurities lessen my worth.

Forgiveness.

A friend of mine recently had a shitty experience about someone she believed to be a friend who treated her pretty badly. While I don't know exactly what happened, she wrote something on Facebook that really just stuck. Forgiveness isn't about the other person. It's something you do for yourself. And at that point, you decide whether or not those persons flaws, despite them trying the best they can mange, are people you want in your life.

It made me think of this past year. It made me think about people I let into my life both relationships and friends. And a lot of it hurt. I don't like being so vulnerable but I was and most of those people turned out to be incredibly shitty. I can forgive them for the crap they did and how badly they made me feel. But you know what's more important than that. I can forgive them because I'm not doing it for their benefit, I'm doing it for mine. But I will never welcome them into my life again. They didn't deserve my time, attention, my kindness or any of that.

I recently lost someone I thought would be a good friend for a very long time. And I'm comfortable enough to admit, I cried a little when I lost that. I'm a very guarded person. I don't let that many people see me emotional. I don't let people in. I've let a few people in over the years, some turned out to be wonderful, people I'd trust with my life. But the ones that hurt me...the ones I let in and still hurt me? Those stung. And I hate being vulnerable because that means I'm allowing myself open to this kind of hurt again. This was kind of one of those. It hurt to know that  despite the honesty, despite the trueness of friendship, it wasn't enough. I now know it has everything to do with him and nothing to do with me. But it hurt like hell.

When I trust people enough to make them a part of my life, when that hurt creeps in, it hurts. I don't trust easily so when I get hurt despite not trusting easily, it kinda hurts.

But you know I've always been a big believer in karma. A few months ago I started talking to someone who never failed to make me smile even on days when that was difficult. Someone who would make me laugh at the lameness of things. Someone who listened to me when not many other people would. It was nice. Incredibly so. He's rare. And I don't know how long he'll be part of my life. But no matter how short or how long that time may be, I'll be thankful for knowing him. He reminds me that, while it can be rare, there are still incredibly good people out there.

Emotional Roller Coaster

So much has happened. And I don't really know how I feel about all of it. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions lately but it has now seemed to even out.

For anyone who knows me even remotely, I'm a loyal friend, first and foremost. I'm the person that people can call whenever, no matter if it's 10pm or 2am. I've always been that good listener, that shoulder to cry on. It all sounds pretty cliche but true. I have a good heart, maybe because I've had so many people treat me less than stellar and I know I never want to make someone feel how previous people had made me feel. Someone I thought was an amazing friend turned out not to be. We were alike in a lot of ways. And maybe that's why we turned out to be good friends. But it took me for a loop when he no longer wanted me as a friend. That was a low blow to the heart because I was probably the best friend he ever had. I was upset at first but the more I thought about it, it didn't even matter because one day he is going to wake up and realize he lost out on an amazing person. And that's not me being self centered. If nothing else, I know I am a good friend, loyal and true to a fault.

Right around the same time, I had a really nice night with someone who has been a friend first and foremost. He's listened to me ramble on about things he probably doesn't even care about and on the few times I've been upset, he's listened. It's been nice. He's nice.  I'll leave it at that for now.

Good for you and also I don't care

In the last few weeks, I've had quite a bit said to me. Some of it has been so beautiful that it touched my soul in such gratifying ways, that I could never articulate through this blog. But other things that have been said have hurt me. Mainly because the things that were said to me were completely off base. And I've tried to remind myself that what that person said to me is more a reflection of their character and not mine. But another part of me is just mind blown that this person thought it was okay to utter such words to another human being and two that I ever wasted any time on this person, who once I believed to be a good person.

I've been lucky to meet so many amazing people the last few years. But there's one I will always be thankful to have met. Alex Alexander. Comedic genius, sweetest gal ever and she is totally the one that everyone wants to be friends with.

I stumbled across one of her essays earlier tonight and it was so fitting, given the bullshit that's been said to me lately. But also it was a great reminder of all the amazing things that have been said to be in the last month. And the most important part isn't that those words were uttered, but more importantly that those words were meant.

So for the good part from my funny girl Alex Alexander! "When someone has something nice to say in a way that makes me believe it, it's the best and my favoritest gift ever."

This has been so true for me lately. This amazing person in my life has told me things that I would never see myself as and the really amazing part is that it's genuine.

Now the not so good part. But it is good in a way because I refuse to let some *insert expletive* offbase opinion bother me.

"Other people can think whatever they want, and say whatever they want, to whomever they want, about me. Those people who are going to like me are going to do that no matter what someone else says."

It was just totally fitting. And completely put things into perspective.

Being Grateful and Thankful

Wow. I don't really know where to begin. I have so much gratefulness running through me as I sit on this flight from Los Angeles. I'm flying over somewhere in Denver and I find myself looking out the window, taking in the beautiful blue skies, the clouds that surround me and letting out a sigh, a content sigh. Sometimes we tend to get so wrapped up in the day to day operations of life, that we forget to be thankful for what we have. And this past week has reminded me to be thankful for those in my life, what I have and who I am.

My plans shifted a bit but isn't that how it always is. I had planned to go to LA for a few days and then off to Fremont CA for a charity event type. The latter of those plans got shifted due to a friend's schedule being changed. So instead, I went to LA a few days early to surprise a friend who does a comedy show. I had thought about coming but hadn't figured out the details just yet. But after a flight change and all of that, I landed in Los Angeles with a few hours to kill. After getting settled and all of that, I made my way to the comedy theatre to surprise her. There were huge hugs, smiles, giggles and I even experienced my first earthquake. The theme of her show was time BUT the message I came away with was ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WHAT WE SAY. We made plans to try and grab coffee during my stay in LA but with her schedule comes unexpected surprises.

The days went on and I spent time at beautiful Manhattan beach. It really is breath taking. It reminded me to be grateful....just to take a deep breath and be grateful no matter what.

The reason for coming to LA was that my favorite Carolyn  would be hosting the Indie Series Awards. And one of my true blue girls was granted access to the press and asked if I'd like to come along. Like I would pass that up. So I enjoyed the next few days. I picked her up Tuesday and Tuesday night was the nominee pre-party. We were allowed to go and we mixed and mingled with the web series creators, writers and actors. And of course, the host of the ISA's, my dear Carolyn.

We laughed, caught up and just enjoyed the evening. We said our goodbyes as I knew I would see her on the red carpet before the ceremony the following night.

Oh boy...what can I say about the red carpet. Carolyn looked AMAZING. The press was all over the place, some more respectable than others and I'll leave it at that. The red carpet lasted for close to two hours, as the talent made their way down the red carpet. I met Christian LeBlanc for a split second and it was AHMAZING. Like I adore him so I was totally freaking out. Sean Kanan, John J York and Darin Brooks were also there. John York sat behind us for the actual ceremony.

The above picture of Christian is when he was teasing my friend about being so short. It was classic. After the red carpet came the awards. Carolyn's monologue was FLAWLESS. Freakin' flawless. If you can find it online, watch it. SO good. After the ceremony, most of the soap stars had left as it was in the middle of the week and most of them had early call times. We chatted with some people, enjoyed the ambiance before we, too, called it a night.

I have to admit, I was a little bummed at this point. I hadn't had a chance to say goodbye to Carolyn because I was leaving in two days and she was swamped with work. But I was super excited for the next day as I would be grabbing coffee and sweets with my LA comedian friend  from a few nights ago. We laughed so much, talked about life, the behavior of people and how it baffles us and it just was wonderful, truly wonderful. I will forever hold that conversation to my heart.

As we're laughing over tea and cake, her phones buzzes to indicate an email and it's Carolyn. We continue to talk, laugh and catch up and Carolyn calls. We giggled because we had been talking about her. She had just finished up on a set and she wasn't too far from where we were and she tells Alex she's coming. Carolyn came and hugged us when she arrived. We dished about everything, life, the awards, everything under the sun. Alex had to leave but Carolyn and I stayed to talk a little longer. I am so grateful for her. The fact that she came to see us, after being on a set all day, means more than words can ever adequately explain.

After we talked for a little longer, we said our goodbyes, hugged then hugged some more.

At the end of this year, it'll be 6 years since I met Carolyn for the first time. When I first met her, NEVER EVER did I think she would hold me in such a high regard. She helped me through so much in those early years of our friendship and she continues to inspire me every single day. There is never a day I take our friendship for granted. She once told me that she was so thankful for me but I'm the one who is thankful.