Forgiveness.

A friend of mine recently had a shitty experience about someone she believed to be a friend who treated her pretty badly. While I don't know exactly what happened, she wrote something on Facebook that really just stuck. Forgiveness isn't about the other person. It's something you do for yourself. And at that point, you decide whether or not those persons flaws, despite them trying the best they can mange, are people you want in your life.

It made me think of this past year. It made me think about people I let into my life both relationships and friends. And a lot of it hurt. I don't like being so vulnerable but I was and most of those people turned out to be incredibly shitty. I can forgive them for the crap they did and how badly they made me feel. But you know what's more important than that. I can forgive them because I'm not doing it for their benefit, I'm doing it for mine. But I will never welcome them into my life again. They didn't deserve my time, attention, my kindness or any of that.

I recently lost someone I thought would be a good friend for a very long time. And I'm comfortable enough to admit, I cried a little when I lost that. I'm a very guarded person. I don't let that many people see me emotional. I don't let people in. I've let a few people in over the years, some turned out to be wonderful, people I'd trust with my life. But the ones that hurt me...the ones I let in and still hurt me? Those stung. And I hate being vulnerable because that means I'm allowing myself open to this kind of hurt again. This was kind of one of those. It hurt to know that  despite the honesty, despite the trueness of friendship, it wasn't enough. I now know it has everything to do with him and nothing to do with me. But it hurt like hell.

When I trust people enough to make them a part of my life, when that hurt creeps in, it hurts. I don't trust easily so when I get hurt despite not trusting easily, it kinda hurts.

But you know I've always been a big believer in karma. A few months ago I started talking to someone who never failed to make me smile even on days when that was difficult. Someone who would make me laugh at the lameness of things. Someone who listened to me when not many other people would. It was nice. Incredibly so. He's rare. And I don't know how long he'll be part of my life. But no matter how short or how long that time may be, I'll be thankful for knowing him. He reminds me that, while it can be rare, there are still incredibly good people out there.