The news of Robin Williams is one that is unbelievably sad. Usually celebrity deaths do not affect me one way or another. They are people who live completely different lives and we only know them via the character they portray in shows or movies. But what is so utterly sad is the fact that Robin Williams made us all laugh yet he dealt with this overwhelming sadness which no one will ever know how great that sadness was. But what is even worse than that is that he felt this overwhelming sadness that he could not escape and the only escape he had was to take his own life.
A few years ago I was a completely different person. I'll premise it by saying I don't know if it was depression, maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. I just remember feeling such a sadness, a sense of alone. I was an easy target for my peers. I kept to myself, didn't get involved in high school drama, and wasn't the most attractive person to walk the halls. And things at home weren't much better. Between those two forces, I felt this incredible sadness. I felt really alone. I look back on it now, part of it had to do with the fact that I just was more mature than a lot of my peers. I didn't have the energy or care enough to get involved with all the drama. Even that being the case, I was an easy target. Thinking about one instance in particular still makes me tear up a little, this one girl was constantly on me. I came home some days and just cried. In my head I knew it was only temporary but at the time, it felt like it would never end.
I remember one day very clearly. I was in my basement watching General Hospital and this spunky red-haired woman appeared on the TV. I remember thinking "I like her" even though she was just some character on TV. Little did I know at that time she would become such a huge part of my life. At the time, I had no idea that within two years, she would become a dear friend.
Time would pass and I would continue to follow her on the show. And she would do these interviews that would really speak to me. She was more than just someone who played a kickass character on TV, she would be someone I'd to at least meet. I remember sitting in front of my laptop one day, playing one of her interviews where she said "I don't want anything to do with anyone who doesn't want anything to do with me because of the way I look. They are not people of good character and therefore I don't want to associate with them." That has really stuck with me. Even 5 or 6 years later. I don't remember how it started but we began exchanging emails. Then one fall day I got an email about her being in town for a personal appearance. I was so excited. I would finally get to meet someone who I admired, someone who I exchanged countless emails with. I will remember that day for the rest of my life. I was with a bunch of at the time friends when she approached us. Most of them had already met her but she knew who I was right off the bat. She made me stand and gave me the biggest hug imaginable. We all laughed at that table for and when the night was coming to a close, it was sad. But I was incredibly thankful for that day. The next year she came back again and our friendship grew. One summer when I was in LA, she invited me to dinner at her home. I was such in shock. I was in company of her closest friends. We laughed so much that night. Then again last summer she invited me over to her home for dinner. I remember standing in her kitchen, just talking about life, work and anything and everything in between. I smile when I think about the picture we took in her kitchen.
I was lucky. I had two amazing people come into my life. People who I value as dear friends.
I'm a different person than I was all those years ago. Am I still insecure about a lot of things? Sure am. Do I wish I was taller, prettier, maybe a little funnier? Sure do. But I don't let those insecurities lessen my worth.
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