Uncertainty....

The air was cold but something 'bout it felt like home somehow. 

(Don't mind me if random Taylor Swift lyrics show up. Her album comes out in like a month so I'm super excited)

Anyway...I tempted to write this earlier but with my allergies, it kinda made it difficult to see the screen in front of me. This is just going to be a lot of random things.

You know those moments when you think of a bad memory? As much as you'd wish to forget them or erase them from your mind entirely, you can't. I remember it like it was just yesterday. The words were cold and it felt like an elephant was crushing my chest (you know like in that commercial). It was like the wind was knocked out of me. I didn't understand and it hurt. I remember the voice too, so cold, dismissive and as much as I've tried to forget that memory, it's in the back of my mind and sometimes it comes into the forefront. As much as I would love to protect my heart from that again, my head knows it could very possibly happen again. And I don't like those odds.

I had a conversation with someone about this very same thing a few weeks ago. I don't necessarily believe it but he said something pretty fitting "Regretting something not done is worse than regretting something done." For anyone who knows me even remotely, I'm not a very emotional person. I like to keep things close to the vest, as they say. There are very few people who have seen me at my worst, I try to keep it that way. But once it happens, I find myself vulnerable and I'm not used to that feeling. I don't like it much.

There are people that we're just comfortable with. I can't really explain it. It's one of those things where just their company makes you comfortable. Let it be friends, family or anyone else for that matter. It's a really nice feeling but over the last few months I've learned that someone you may feel utterly comfortable with today may not be tomorrow. And you don't know when that's going to happen and that's the worse part. Knowing that people who have seen a glimpse of your soul, your being, may not always be there. I don't really know where I'm going with any of this. It's kinda one big circle at this point. But I feel like as people, we want to be good to other people in hopes that it will be reciprocated on some level or another but the unfortunate part is that it's usually not. Usually you're trying so hard hoping for something. I guess that just means that some people have a better heart than others.

It would've felt like a million shining stars had just aligned and I would've been so happy. 

I don't know how to word this without it sounding so negative. It really isn't. Things kinda just feel at a stand still. I think part of it has to do with the fact that a lot of people I once knew are figuring out their lives. Don't get me wrong, I really do like classes but for some reason, I'm just not feeling it. The best way to even remotely explain it is just a ball of uncertainty.

For the last few months I've also had this car shopping/looking thing lingering. That is almost resolved. Hopefully.

If there is anything about me to learn from any of this, the idea of uncertainty isn't pleasing to me.

As really lame and sappy as this is going to sound, when I think about the uncertainty and it starts to overwhelm me, I think about a wonderful evening I just had pretty recently. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, it was just really nice. Just laying there and talking about things. I don't know how to really explain this one either but it was just nice for me to be able to talk to someone without holding anything back. Lame I know. I've turned into a pretty lame and sappy person. My bad.