I have this really bad tendency to pour my heart to the keyboard at all hours of the night when normal people are asleep. But since my sleeping schedule is so messed up at the moment, I'll just have to be okay with my night owl tendencies. It's a bad idea to attempt to write this while I listen to the TFIOS soundtrack as the movie comes out next week but it's just so pretty and I can't wait to buy the movie....okay moving on!(I'll just continue to quote the song lyrics as I'm totally lame like that)
We know full well there's just time
I don't know what it is. Maybe losing a once dear friend made me realize that there will people you never thought you'd lose and you do. And it's not even because I'm sad I lost her. She has a crap ton of karma coming to her and that's on her but I mean generally...there are people who touch your heart so greatly and you think they'll be part of your life for a really long time but reality came knocking and made me realize that despite people claiming to always be there, there will come a time where they won't.
Most people don't know this about me, only those who really know me do, I have this tendency to care about other people way more than I care about myself. I wish that wasn't the case. I have an incredibly good heart and that is usually a huge disadvantage to situations. And the majority of the time I wish I could turn it off. Not to sound self absorbed because I'm the furthest thing from that but I'm a good person. At least I try to be. And somewhere along the line that gets me incredibly hurt.
About a month ago, I said something, something that I thought was for the best. And I almost wish now I would have went with it. I don't like caring so much about people. Most people don't have good intentions or are self absorbed in some way. I don't know...I don't let people do anything for me, that's just in my nature but I just don't like this overwhelming caring feeling. I wish there was a button to turn it off. To turn it all off.
A few posts ago, I wrote about how with my now ex-best friend, it was a train crash waiting to happen and there was nothing I could to do stop it. I was right about that. It ended. It was already in motion. And while part of me doesn't like that a long friendship ended, I also came to realize she wasn't someone I wanted in my life any longer. But I feel that again. It's not the same thing. It's actually two different things but they feel similar. And there was one other time I felt like this and I was right about that one. It crushed me in ways I couldn't even depict enough in this post. I've kinda gone on in circles about this but I guess what I'm trying to say is that when your heart is in something, it's only a matter of time before it all crashes and burns around you. So the question becomes do you let it or not?
They will come, they will go, make us special...
But even more than all of that, I think the worst part of it is knowing things can and most often times will change after a certain situation. It's almost like that train crash that you know is inevitable but you can't stop it.Things can be great and then after you give into something, it changes. I think about two specific instances when I mention this. The first was an eye opener. It taught me a lot. I'm not thankful it happened but I'm thankful of what it taught me. The second...it taught me some stuff too. It was one of those things that you wanted something to work so badly, thinking it would change everything. That one was probably my biggest regret. Because once you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you're opening yourself up to a lot of things you don't need. A lot of hurt, a lot of mistakes. The whole idea of being vulnerable is not pleasing to me. But once it happens, there's no really taking it back.As much as I'd like to turn it off. Hell, I'd like to turn off a lot.....
It's been a lot of ramblings. Too many actually.
I'd kill for a little simplicity. That would be nice.
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