Untitled.

 This blog constantly changes to lyrics that I really just love or that mean something at a particular time. And since Taylor Swift's CD comes out like next week, hence the change in blog title.

I don't really have a title for this because it's kind of hard to title something like this. I've written some pretty heavy stuff here lately. And unfortunately, this one kind of has to fall into that category too.

The Best of Me came out tonight and I saw it was my very special boyfriend. And it didn't disappoint because any movies based off a Nicholas Sparks book are generally good. Most of them are cute love ones and this one was no different. But it brought something out in me. It made me think of something I haven't thought of in years.

Not that anyone really reads this but for the sake of not giving the entire movie away, let's just say the father of a certain character was a total jerk. I could use a much stronger word but I figure I'd try to keep this blog PG rated. Anyway, he was just a mean, sorry excuse for a human being. And at one point, Dawson was showing his scars. I think that's what really did me in. It really took me back to a part of my past that I haven't thought about in years. Scars don't have to be physical. They can be words that were said, actions that were taken, it can be a variety of different things. It doesn't necessarily hurt anymore but it was more like a reminder of something that I just haven't had the need to think about in a really long time.

I'm not big on confrontation or big yelling arguments. Probably because my biggest character flaw is that I just have a good heart. I say sorry way too much and I generally just care way more about people than I ever would about myself. So when there's someone literally inches away from me, screaming some sort of profanity or other harsh words, I don't take that lightly. It shouldn't even happen once, let alone a handful of times.

The more I think about it actually, I don't think I've ever really gotten into a major argument with anyone. At least not one where I was yelling or saying harsh words, sure I've been on the receiving end, hence mentioned above. Sure, I've raised my voice to people and even that was a stretch to be honest.

Even worse than that is when someone intentionally violates your space. As if having hands on you is going to automatically you respect them or their point of view. The exact opposite happens actually. It's never okay to do something like that.

I don't really know what the point of all of this is, it was just some random thoughts I had. And it doesn't even necessarily hurt anymore, it's more of a reminder of what part of your life used to be.

Anyway, I'd like to end this on a happy note because I'm happy. As I was scrolling through Twitter not too long ago, I read this "when you realize happiness isn't next weekend, and it's not last week, it's right now" And it's really fitting because right now I'm very much happy. And reading that also reminded me that you just have to be happy in the wonderful moments you're lucky enough to have. No one knows what's going to happen but in this moment you're happy and nothing else really matters. 

Totally sappy but whatever.

Just a clear warning, this will probably be the sappiest post I've ever made in my whole life but whatever. Thought I'd toss that out there.

For the longest time, when I'd see people in love, I'd do a little eye roll and my not pleased look. But people used to tell me "you won't feel that way when you're in love." I didn't believe them and thought they were out of their mind. But it's happened. I've become one of those people that I used to constantly roll my eyes at. My heart is just so full of love whenever he's with me and when he's not, it's a pretty crappy feeling honestly.

If anyone would have told me 5 months ago that an amazing guy would come into my life, make me completely happy all the time and that I would be counting down the days until I got to spend time with him again, I would have thought they were crazy. Out of their damn mind. But all of that has happened too. I don't know when exactly or how it happened but somewhere along the way, he took a hold of my heart. And it's never been the same. Whenever something happens, he's the first person I want to tell. And on the days I find myself missing him, I get this urge to call him, just to talk to him. I haven't become that lame yet.

I don't do the whole girlfriend thing well at all. Usually what happens is that people who are initially interested in me, it doesn't last very long. But he manages to put up with me and all the not so great things about me and there are a few of those, I'm sure. Every day that he is in my life, it truly makes me feel like the luckiest girl walking the earth. And if there ever comes a day when he isn't in my life, I will still be incredibly thankful because in the short time we've been together, he's given me so much happiness. More happiness than I ever thought anyone could ever make me feel.

You know how you meet people and you feel like you become a better person simply by knowing them. That's exactly how I feel about him. Simply by having him in my life, he has made me a better person.

I could go on about how special he is and all the amazing things he makes me feel but I think I've been sappy enough.

Music..thoughts..the regular for me.

I so should be sleeping right now because the alarm is going to go off in about 5 hours but sleep for the weak and it doesn't technically matter.

So I went to Target tonight and bought some super cute stuff including an Ingrid Michaelson CD who just speaks to my soul at the moment. And on my 30 minute drive home (the whole night was pointless tbh) minus the cute stuff I bought at Target before hand.

Beautiful song. I've always liked this song. It doesn't describe how I'm feeling but it's such a pretty song and I've loved it for years.

I love this song. Currently my favorite (aside from Blake Shelton stuff atm). Like why do we bother? Honestly. For what? Catchy song and I love it.

As I scrolled tumblr and twitter when I came home tonight, someone posted this and it speaks to the soul.

It's gonna hurt because it matters. 
Truest thing I have ever read.

And with that, the 6AM is going to come in a blink of an eye.

xoxo

Cute music stuff.

Since my last post was kind of all over the placce, I decided to post my favorite song at the moment. (The music video is the cutest ever too...)

These are the things that you learn when your heart wants to burn, burn, burn. 

Knowing she's mad or she's really just drunk. 

Existence..Importance..late night random thoughts.

I had this great idea to get to sleep early yet here I sit, awake listening to a combination of my favorite music (TFIOS soundtrack, Taylor Swift and some Blake Shelton) with chai tea. So I can't promise that song lyrics won't show up.

Where to start....hmm. I wrote a Facebook post earlier tonight about existence but I ended up deleting it because I figured I'd just write more about it here. I think as people we wish our existence would be enough for people, that knowing our existence is present would actually matter but truth be told, it doesn't. People can pretend that it does but it totally doesn't. Our existence only matters to us and it only matters to people when it's convenient. Funny how that works.

The other thing is about opportunities. Opportunities are present to people to do what they will with them and if they miss out on them, that's on them. That one is kinda like karma for me. Give it some time and they'll realize what they missed out on. They may realize it a few hours from that point, but most likely a few days and at that point, it'll simply be a missed opportunity. What truly gets me though is people ask me something, I give them an opportunity and they don't take it. But that's okay. That's perfectly fine actually.

What if your heart was full of love, could you give it up....

There's some quote I came across on Tumblr a few weeks ago about how if you think everyone has the same heart as you, you'll be disappointed. This has come to fruition in many aspects of my life. By nature, I just have a good heart. At this point, I wish I didn't. I'm that person who people know they can call at 10pm or 3am. I'm also that person who is constantly making time for people. And it's not that I get upset when that isn't reciprocated, it's more like a defeat, a disappointment, to be honest.

One of my funniest yet most genuine friends wrote an essay a few months and the tag line was actions speak louder than what we say. Ever since I heard it, that's the line I use when people say stuff to me. Sure, you can tell me I'm your best friend, that I'm so important, and all other compliments that I would normally love to hear but when push comes to shove and you can't be bothered to demonstrate that through your actions, then what is the point really.

And that was the moment I knew.

I guess it goes back to our own existence. Our existence doesn't matter to anyone else, despite us hoping it would be and despite the words of others. And maybe our existence is important to someone, someone out there, and they haven't realized it yet. And maybe they never will. It's kind of one of those things that I ponder.

Come on skinny love, just last the year. We were never here. 

But despite all those not so great feelings I'm feeling atm, I know those will pass. I know come tomorrow or the day after, they won't matter as much as they do now. But I think more than all that,t he worst feeling is fear. There was this quote on tumblr about how the worst goodbye is knowing you won't say hello again and I think that's something that just eats at my soul. I've known people who were important to me once and I never thought I'd lose that. But I did. And I don't know what I'm trying to say here, I just know that it spoke to me.

Anyway, now that I've rambled on far too long. I'm going to post some cute things/things that speak to me at the moment.

Sorry, the typical girl in me is such a sap for Nicholas Sparks.

I just love everything about fall. Scarves, sweaters, leaves, apple picking, pumpkin everything.

There's no picture for it but I love fairs this time of year. Everything is just super pretty.

So yeah, a little bit of my random late night thoughts and things I like.

If your heart was full of love, would you give it up....

Lines from TFIOS soundtrack may appear throughout this blog so there's that.

I just feel so much, my biggest character flaw, tbh. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who could just turn off emotions, feelings, thoughts. And as much as I'm feeling right now, I just don't want to write about it all because it'll make me emotional, sad and a whole bunch of other crap..totally fun times. Not.

Anyway, I'm going to post some of my favorite sayings from Tumblr that I came across, stuff that really spoke to me.

Some random thoughts......I wonder if it's easier to just feel so little instead of feeling so much. I feel like it's one of those terrible, unanswerable questions.

And the other thing is, do you shut yourself off from such a good feeling to save yourself from hurt, ending, ect? I don't know...you can either lose out on something to save yourself from feeling so much or you can hold onto it for as long as possible but then realistically lose it. I don't know which is better or worse. Both sound like less than stellar options. 

Keeping yourself locked away is never a good option but I see why people do it. It guards them. It guards them from feeling too much..from caring too much.

I don't know what my point of that was but yeah...it's kind of funny, not really though.

To get away from all the emotional, feeling too much, stuff, I'll post some of my other favorite things. Since fall is my favorite season, most of these will be my favorite things in fall.

 This picture was just cute and cozy and all fall-ish so yeah.

 Nights are just beautiful and cool and just all picturesque.

 Pumpkin Spice everything.

Some of my favorite songs at the moment: 

                                         

Uncertainty....

The air was cold but something 'bout it felt like home somehow. 

(Don't mind me if random Taylor Swift lyrics show up. Her album comes out in like a month so I'm super excited)

Anyway...I tempted to write this earlier but with my allergies, it kinda made it difficult to see the screen in front of me. This is just going to be a lot of random things.

You know those moments when you think of a bad memory? As much as you'd wish to forget them or erase them from your mind entirely, you can't. I remember it like it was just yesterday. The words were cold and it felt like an elephant was crushing my chest (you know like in that commercial). It was like the wind was knocked out of me. I didn't understand and it hurt. I remember the voice too, so cold, dismissive and as much as I've tried to forget that memory, it's in the back of my mind and sometimes it comes into the forefront. As much as I would love to protect my heart from that again, my head knows it could very possibly happen again. And I don't like those odds.

I had a conversation with someone about this very same thing a few weeks ago. I don't necessarily believe it but he said something pretty fitting "Regretting something not done is worse than regretting something done." For anyone who knows me even remotely, I'm not a very emotional person. I like to keep things close to the vest, as they say. There are very few people who have seen me at my worst, I try to keep it that way. But once it happens, I find myself vulnerable and I'm not used to that feeling. I don't like it much.

There are people that we're just comfortable with. I can't really explain it. It's one of those things where just their company makes you comfortable. Let it be friends, family or anyone else for that matter. It's a really nice feeling but over the last few months I've learned that someone you may feel utterly comfortable with today may not be tomorrow. And you don't know when that's going to happen and that's the worse part. Knowing that people who have seen a glimpse of your soul, your being, may not always be there. I don't really know where I'm going with any of this. It's kinda one big circle at this point. But I feel like as people, we want to be good to other people in hopes that it will be reciprocated on some level or another but the unfortunate part is that it's usually not. Usually you're trying so hard hoping for something. I guess that just means that some people have a better heart than others.

It would've felt like a million shining stars had just aligned and I would've been so happy. 

I don't know how to word this without it sounding so negative. It really isn't. Things kinda just feel at a stand still. I think part of it has to do with the fact that a lot of people I once knew are figuring out their lives. Don't get me wrong, I really do like classes but for some reason, I'm just not feeling it. The best way to even remotely explain it is just a ball of uncertainty.

For the last few months I've also had this car shopping/looking thing lingering. That is almost resolved. Hopefully.

If there is anything about me to learn from any of this, the idea of uncertainty isn't pleasing to me.

As really lame and sappy as this is going to sound, when I think about the uncertainty and it starts to overwhelm me, I think about a wonderful evening I just had pretty recently. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, it was just really nice. Just laying there and talking about things. I don't know how to really explain this one either but it was just nice for me to be able to talk to someone without holding anything back. Lame I know. I've turned into a pretty lame and sappy person. My bad.