If your heart was full of love, would you give it up....

Lines from TFIOS soundtrack may appear throughout this blog so there's that.

I just feel so much, my biggest character flaw, tbh. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who could just turn off emotions, feelings, thoughts. And as much as I'm feeling right now, I just don't want to write about it all because it'll make me emotional, sad and a whole bunch of other crap..totally fun times. Not.

Anyway, I'm going to post some of my favorite sayings from Tumblr that I came across, stuff that really spoke to me.

Some random thoughts......I wonder if it's easier to just feel so little instead of feeling so much. I feel like it's one of those terrible, unanswerable questions.

And the other thing is, do you shut yourself off from such a good feeling to save yourself from hurt, ending, ect? I don't know...you can either lose out on something to save yourself from feeling so much or you can hold onto it for as long as possible but then realistically lose it. I don't know which is better or worse. Both sound like less than stellar options. 

Keeping yourself locked away is never a good option but I see why people do it. It guards them. It guards them from feeling too much..from caring too much.

I don't know what my point of that was but yeah...it's kind of funny, not really though.

To get away from all the emotional, feeling too much, stuff, I'll post some of my other favorite things. Since fall is my favorite season, most of these will be my favorite things in fall.

 This picture was just cute and cozy and all fall-ish so yeah.

 Nights are just beautiful and cool and just all picturesque.

 Pumpkin Spice everything.

Some of my favorite songs at the moment: 

                                         

Uncertainty....

The air was cold but something 'bout it felt like home somehow. 

(Don't mind me if random Taylor Swift lyrics show up. Her album comes out in like a month so I'm super excited)

Anyway...I tempted to write this earlier but with my allergies, it kinda made it difficult to see the screen in front of me. This is just going to be a lot of random things.

You know those moments when you think of a bad memory? As much as you'd wish to forget them or erase them from your mind entirely, you can't. I remember it like it was just yesterday. The words were cold and it felt like an elephant was crushing my chest (you know like in that commercial). It was like the wind was knocked out of me. I didn't understand and it hurt. I remember the voice too, so cold, dismissive and as much as I've tried to forget that memory, it's in the back of my mind and sometimes it comes into the forefront. As much as I would love to protect my heart from that again, my head knows it could very possibly happen again. And I don't like those odds.

I had a conversation with someone about this very same thing a few weeks ago. I don't necessarily believe it but he said something pretty fitting "Regretting something not done is worse than regretting something done." For anyone who knows me even remotely, I'm not a very emotional person. I like to keep things close to the vest, as they say. There are very few people who have seen me at my worst, I try to keep it that way. But once it happens, I find myself vulnerable and I'm not used to that feeling. I don't like it much.

There are people that we're just comfortable with. I can't really explain it. It's one of those things where just their company makes you comfortable. Let it be friends, family or anyone else for that matter. It's a really nice feeling but over the last few months I've learned that someone you may feel utterly comfortable with today may not be tomorrow. And you don't know when that's going to happen and that's the worse part. Knowing that people who have seen a glimpse of your soul, your being, may not always be there. I don't really know where I'm going with any of this. It's kinda one big circle at this point. But I feel like as people, we want to be good to other people in hopes that it will be reciprocated on some level or another but the unfortunate part is that it's usually not. Usually you're trying so hard hoping for something. I guess that just means that some people have a better heart than others.

It would've felt like a million shining stars had just aligned and I would've been so happy. 

I don't know how to word this without it sounding so negative. It really isn't. Things kinda just feel at a stand still. I think part of it has to do with the fact that a lot of people I once knew are figuring out their lives. Don't get me wrong, I really do like classes but for some reason, I'm just not feeling it. The best way to even remotely explain it is just a ball of uncertainty.

For the last few months I've also had this car shopping/looking thing lingering. That is almost resolved. Hopefully.

If there is anything about me to learn from any of this, the idea of uncertainty isn't pleasing to me.

As really lame and sappy as this is going to sound, when I think about the uncertainty and it starts to overwhelm me, I think about a wonderful evening I just had pretty recently. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, it was just really nice. Just laying there and talking about things. I don't know how to really explain this one either but it was just nice for me to be able to talk to someone without holding anything back. Lame I know. I've turned into a pretty lame and sappy person. My bad.

What about...

I have this really bad tendency to pour my heart to the keyboard at all hours of the night when normal people are asleep. But since my sleeping schedule is so messed up at the moment, I'll just have to be okay with my night owl tendencies. It's a bad idea to attempt to write this while I listen to the TFIOS soundtrack as the movie comes out next week but it's just so pretty and I can't wait to buy the movie....okay moving on!(I'll just continue to quote the song lyrics as I'm totally lame like that)

We know full well there's just time

I don't know what it is. Maybe losing a once dear friend made me realize that there will people you never thought you'd lose and you do. And it's not even because I'm sad I lost her. She has a crap ton of karma coming to her and that's on her but I mean generally...there are people who touch your heart so greatly and you think they'll be part of your life for a really long time but reality came knocking and made me realize that despite people claiming to always be there, there will come a time where they won't.

Most people don't know this about me, only those who really know me do, I have this tendency to care about other people way more than I care about myself. I wish that wasn't the case. I have an incredibly good heart and that is usually a huge disadvantage to situations. And the majority of the time I wish I could turn it off. Not to sound self absorbed because I'm the furthest thing from that but I'm a good person. At least I try to be. And somewhere along the line that gets me incredibly hurt.

About a month ago, I said something, something that I thought was for the best. And I almost wish now I would have went with it. I don't like caring so much about people. Most people don't have good intentions or are self absorbed in some way. I don't know...I don't let people do anything for me, that's just in my nature but I just don't like this overwhelming caring feeling. I wish there was a button to turn it off. To turn it all off.

A few posts ago, I wrote about how with my now ex-best friend, it was a train crash waiting to happen and there was nothing I could to do stop it. I was right about that. It ended. It was already in motion. And while part of me doesn't like that a long friendship ended, I also came to realize she wasn't someone I wanted in my life any longer. But I feel that again. It's not the same thing. It's actually two different things but they feel similar. And there was one other time I felt like this and I was right about that one. It crushed me in ways I couldn't even depict enough in this post. I've kinda gone on in circles about this but I guess what I'm trying to say is that when your heart is in something, it's only a matter of time before it all crashes and burns around you. So the question becomes do you let it or not?

They will come, they will go, make us special...

But even more than all of that, I think the worst part of it is knowing things can and most often times will change after a certain situation. It's almost like that train crash that you know is inevitable but you can't stop it.Things can be great and then after you give into something, it changes. I think about two specific instances when I mention this. The first was an eye opener. It taught me a lot. I'm not thankful it happened but I'm thankful of what it taught me. The second...it taught me some stuff too. It was one of those things that you wanted something to work so badly, thinking it would change everything. That one was probably my biggest regret. Because once you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you're opening yourself up to a lot of things you don't need. A lot of hurt, a lot of mistakes. The whole idea of being vulnerable is not pleasing to me. But once it happens, there's no really taking it back.As much as I'd like to turn it off. Hell, I'd like to turn off a lot.....

It's been a lot of ramblings. Too many actually.

I'd kill for a little simplicity. That would be nice.

For Good...

 (And yes..I titled this from Wicked. I'm a musical lover at heart.)

I attempted to write this last night but I was just so emotional. Everything from this week has just caught up to me. It's been an emotionally draining week.

I lost someone that I believed to be my best friend. There are a few things I kept quiet about these last few months. Something in particular. But as I thought about it, it didn't really concern me. But it bothered me that was completely fine with telling people untrue things. And for what? To make herself look better. But like I said, it wasn't my problem.

But what really pushed the envelope was something she said about me. It was meant to be funny but because I'm a relatively private person I don't feel the need to express every detail of my very private life with people. But what really got me, more than that, was something she said about someone I deeply care about. Totally uncalled for. That hurt. It hurt that she thought that but it hurt even more that she thought it was okay to express such a mean, negative opinion.

But even despite that, I was willing to put that all behind. Because our friendship has been going on for years. As hard as I tried to put those things behind me, it still hurt. But I was getting there.

The one thing about me that people need to know is that I can be the friendliest person, a social butterfly, to those I know/comfortable with. But put me in a situation with people I don't know, people who can be offensive, inappropriate, then there's a problem. That was another issue I was having. I voiced that, she seemed to understand.

Next day I get wind of a situation about these people. And my decision was made. There was no way in hell I'd spend time with those people. I'm nice and sweet and great to everyone (I really do try!) but say something inappropriate, offensive to me, all bets are off. But what still gets me mad (even though I really have to let it go) is that she was more concerned about having a drunkfest party rather than spending her best friend there. That's okay though. I'll remember that. I'll also remember how I haven't seen my favorite person since April and she knew this but the drunkfest party was more important than working things out with her best friend.

2. For anyone who has ever heard me talk about my brother, they mostly hear me say that he is a royal pain and drives me up a wall. Most of the summer was spent letting him in at all hours of the night when I was trying to go to sleep. So needless to say, I was annoyed. But without going into much detail on here, he's had some trouble lately and he'll be gone for the next two months. I can't even begin to explain how quiet the house is without him. And as annoying as he can be especially when he sees me smiling as I text my boyfriend, he was often mocking me, I totally miss him. It didn't hit me until last night. I was at work and he called and I've been thinking about it ever since. We  have the whole 5 years apart age difference thing going so usually we're at each others' throat but it's just so weird without him.

3. Lastly, someone I once knew reached out to me. Someone I would be glad to never hear from ever again. It's too long to explain. But to keep things simple, it was someone who hurt me immensely, broke my trust and made me feel less than on a constant basis. But that's a period of time, I would like to forget if at all possible. Anyway, this person is moving and when I heard the news, I felt sad. Fucked up right? I got over that sadness real quick though.

This is probably the longest post I've written but a lot of this has been weighing heavily on me this last week or so. And I'm sorry to anyone who actually reads through the whole thing.

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them. (Again, sorry for the musical reference but Wicked is epic so there)

After all of that depressing stuff, I think a little bit of happiness is in order. On Friday, I got to spend some time with my very amazing boyfriend. He is just wonderful and amazing. And I can't say enough good things about him. But I don't want become overly sappy.

A Little Crushed...

Two blogs in one night...not necessarily for a good reason.

Tonight gave me everything I needed to know. So I'm thankful. There is no need to be in limbo any longer. So I truly am thankful for that. It makes it easier. I know I made the best decision for myself, both in the short term and also the long term. As I wrote earlier, it takes different people a long time to catch on to situations and that's fine. But one day they will and that has everything to do with them and nothing to do with me.

I can't help but feel a little crushed because I'll be missing my favorite person ever. So that hurts more than I would like it to at this very moment.

But to be really cliche, everything happens for a reason. I know I will be better in the long run.

Finding Yourself...

I don't really know where to begin this one. Everyone has those friends that you're friendly with but you wouldn't call them up to tell them your everyday life. They're more like acquiantances. I have a few friends like that. I have one friend who is pretty stuck at the moment. She feels pretty lost about what she wants to do with her life, who her real friends are, and she has gotten to the point where she is over people trying to like her. We talked about such things for close to an hour. At the end of our conversation she said "you know, you're a really good friend...thank you." After how I've been feeling lately, it was really nice. For anyone who knows me, I am the worst at taking compliments. I can't take a compliment to save my life. But character flaws and all, the one good thing I can say about myself is that I'm a good friend. I have a huge heart and other people's happiness is way more important than my own.

I used to be so concerned about what other people thought of me. I always joke and say I should have been born at least 4-6 years earlier than I was. I just don't have the energy and/or patience for people's drama, bullshit, negativity and such. This last year or so was pretty eye opening for me. I lost some friends and some relationships and at the time I was probably sad. And at one point, I probably thought it had something to do with me. But I've come to realize that a lot of people don't realize what a good friend, listener, what other adjective you want to use, they have in someone until they've lost it.

There was a period of time where I was so concerned with what people thought of me. I tried so hard to impress some of them. And I realize now it wasn't worth it because those people only wanted something from me. They weren't interested in my thoughts, feelings, or me as a person. But never would I lie about something about myself just so I can project a particular image into the world.

People in their twenties are trying to find themselves, trying to figure out who they are as women/men yet some of them seem to get lost in that. They get too wrapped up in what everyone else thinks of them instead of being true to themselves. And as a bystandard, you can voice all of that but it's not setting in. But what gets me is when people have to lie about who they are, about themselves, just so they can look better in the eyes of everyone else. That has a lot to say about your confidence as a person. I don't know...it's just mind blowing. And the sad part of that is some people never grasp that. Maybe it's lack of maturity, refusal to be comfortable with ones' self....this may be another one for the ages.

Friendship...Life..Letting Go..

There's some saying about in your twenties how you realize who your true friends are. Those who value you and your friendship will remain and those who don't will leave. You know those movies where a train goes in slow motion before any sort of impact? That is what this feels like. You cannot stop said action. It is in progress. You just have to let it happen. And as much as you would like to stop such a disaster, you can't...it's out of your hands.

Friendship is a weird thing. In high school, you know that friendships won't last forever because people move on, people change and people do different things with their lives so it's only human that you'll fall out of touch. I always thought that after that point, those friends were the true ones. Even though life situations may have changed, they haven't. But I've come to realize that people you thought would never change do.

I've always wondered how seemingly good people could change in an instant? Is it because they just haven't matured? Is it because of their circles of friends? Or is it just because they're wishy washy. I've contemplated this for years and I'm still no closer to figuring it out. Maybe it's one of those questions for the ages.

But despite all of that, you know what's worse? I think the worst is knowing the place you're in with said person. You can't do anything to change it. You can feel it ending and there's nothing you can really do about it. You kind of just have to let it go.

Life has a way of being pretty ironic. Back in high school while everyone was testing out relationships for the first time, I watched it happen. And all the drama that surrounded it. I watched friends stop being friends over a SO. It's nothing I had to worry about until recently. But what makes me mad is the fact I'm doing such a good thing for someone, because it's important to them, yet I'll bet money on the fact that I'll be left to fend for myself amongst obnoxious, inappropriate and offensive people. This would have never been the case years ago. Never.

My biggest and worst character flaw would probably have to be that I care entirely too much about the feelings of others. And even if I have the right to be mad about a particular situation, if someone else is upset, that's more of a priority than how I'm feeling. It bothers me that more often than not, I care too much and other people don't. I've always thought I was a really good judge of character. I always thought I could read if people were truly being sincere. But obviously my radar on that is off.