Oh karma!

Oh, how karma works. It's so fabulous.

A few months ago I cut ties with a former friend. There was a switch in her. She was suddenly so negative and I had to break free from that. And she failed to realize that some of the relationships she had were because of me. But honestly that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, we have two mutual friends. Neither of them are aware that we don't speak any longer. One of our mutual friends sent us a group message asking how we were and this and that. I admire our mutual friend so I was trying to think of something to say when former friend wrote a message.

Over these last few months I had been thinking about this once friend and thinking that maybe I should be a little more forgiving. Our mutual friend responded and my former friend quickly ended the conversation before I even got a chance to say anything. I had thought about messaging my former friend to let her know I was thinking of her, praying for her situation but I'm glad I didn't. It's evident that she has no interest in that whatsoever.

So I privately messaged our mutual friend and we exchanged a few messages (non related to my former friend).

But you know, I feel good about myself. I made the right decision a few months back. And if one day my former friend wants to reach out, then great but if not, it doesn't hurt me. Because our mutual friends just adore me to bits for who I am.

Blessed

It's funny...sometimes it takes other people to show us just how special we truly are. This weekend, I traveled to Chicago to see Port Chuck. I was actually supposed to see them in Cincy too but they had to cancel that show because their bus broke down. I continue to follow them because of Scott. They were in Boston last weekend but I didn't go because I'm not a fan of the venue and I was seeing Rick Hearst (ex-Ric, GH) that night. 

Scott knows me from his various personal appearances, my support for his daughter Emily and the music she's doing. 

When Scott was singing on stage, he pointed right for my camera. And when he made his way over to my table, he gave me the biggest hug imaginable. He is such an inspiration especially in regards to his faith but he is just a beautiful human being. 

At our table, I had someone take my picture with him with my camera. I then asked him if we could take a picture with my cellphone and he takes my phone and does three selfies. Like what is my life. He is just a beautiful human being and I am so proud to know him. 

Frustrated but Keeping Positive

When your worries won't let you sleep and rob you of your days. And you've looked in all directions but still can't find your way. -Shine the Light, Sugarland I would like to say that I'm an overly positive person. I could be upset and have so much going on with me but on the outside, I'm smiling and bubbly. And even when I'm upset, most people can't tell. And even I don't like you, I'm always nice. I don't believe in being rude to people. I just don't have it in me. Work has been stressing me out so much lately. I work 40 hours plus going to school full time. And I work with people who are in their mid to early 30's. I am the youngest yet I act mature then all of them. One girl, she's 25 and acts 15. I have to work with her on weekends and usually I just put up with her but now she just makes me so mad. On Monday, I'm dropping off my two weeks notice because I am just SO frustrated. I work harder than everyone else yet everyone wants to complain about their "bad" schedules. I am praying to God for patience tomorrow. I am the bigger person. I am the bigger person. I just have to remind myself of that. I'm going to Chicago two weeks from Friday and three weeks from Friday I'm going to Nashville. Tomorrow will be better.

Scott Reeves

It's been awhile but I had to post this. For those who know me, Scott Reeves is someone I admire so greatly. His faith is amazing and has taught me to be stronger in my own faith. And whenever I attend an event, he listens so intensely and his heart is just so pure and full of Jesus. And his songs...are wonderful. Below is a song that he sang at a private dinner last weekend. When I listen to it, it's just so beautiful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8-bcJaN7eA

And we also took this picture. It makes my heart so very happy.

Update of sorts

Things have been kinda crazy lately. More like a hot emotional wreck but that's neither here nor there. To keep things simple, I finally let go of someone who was a "dear" friend. I made the realization that she wasn't and was no longer worth my energy.

Back in July, I went to Alex's comedy skit thing and she had amazing readers. Alex herself is amazing; that GIRL is the definition of funny. But anyway, one of the readers...I follow her on facebook and today she friended me. I didn't get to talk to her after the show because she didn't stay long so I messaged her and told her how AMAZING she was and she knew I was there and wanted to talk to him. Like who wants to talk to me? I was kinda struck by that. With all the drama going on as of late, with people in and out of my life, it's just really cool to know that the majority of people like me.

Anyway, I'm down about 10 pounds since July. It's a work in progress. I just don't have much time to be lazy. I go to school full time and also work 40 hours a week so even though I'm not hitting the gym X amount of times per week, I feel like I'm active enough and making better food choices.

SO YAY.

Until next time.

Angry, upset but most of all hurt.

You know those moments when you don't know to feel? You're angry but also hurting. The last week has been a whirlwind of happiness yet it has faded to being hurt.

I'm the type of person who doesn't expect a lot- once we're friends, that's it. I will go above and beyond for you, there's no ifs, ands or buts about it. The thing is, it takes a lot for someone to have a space in my heart. I don't trust easily but when I do, that's it.

And when I'm upset, I expect that person to CARE, to sympathize or something. It doesn't take a lot to make me upset but when I am, all I ask is that you get it. And you don't brush it off like nothing has happened.

And I don't want you to dismiss our friendship- I have done a lot for you and you for me and that just doesn't vanish. I expect you to put in SOME effort or some caring.

My heart is hurting and I feel like this ALWAYS happens to me. Maybe because when I care, I care too much. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for the people I care about. And for once, for once in my life, I wish that was returned.

LA Continued and Other....

Okay, so LA was AMAZING. I can't even begin to put into words. I think Sunday was probably my favorite day...well, second favorite day after Thursday.

On Sunday, Carolyn invited me to the studio for Animal Magnetism. I LOVE the show SO much and she's doing such a wonderful thing and I was completely honored. I got to meet the fab Tony Sweet who helps a lot with UBN Radio shows. Andrea, who I met before, and who is a total doll along with Camille and of course my favorite Carolyn.

After the show we took this picture. I am THE least photogenic person on any PLANT but I LOVE this picture. I was SO happy and I actually look halfway decent.

Then after the show, we all went to lunch. It honestly felt like being around old friends which is super weird because I only met Camille for the first time and Andrea, this is only the third time I've been in her company. 

The only unfortunate part of the WHOLE trip was that I didn't get to see Alex. She's one of the funniest yet genuine people on this WHOLE planet. I love that gal so much. But I left an early b-day gift with Carolyn for her and she was so happy and loved it so much so in turn, it made me super happy. 

Now that I've wrapped up LA recap, let's be serious. 

A year ago, I wasn't in a good place at all. I thought I had found a good job but I was working so much, they didn't pay that great but I was pretty down at the time. I took a semester off because of work and because I just wasn't ready to go back and in all honesty, I didn't think I could manage it. 

Fast forward to this year- I started a new job in June and I'm HAPPY. I work 40 hour weeks and for some people that might not be anything but for me it's a lot because I am going to school everyday. MWF I go from 9-1 then work 2-10. And on TTH, I have a class 8-9:15 and then do homework/study until 1 where I leave for work. A year ago, I wouldn't have been able to handle it. And I'm not saying what I do is easy because it's not. It's a lot of time management- on my break at work, I read material for class and on the train ride home at night, I also read for the next class. 

I'm just in a good space right now and things feel really great. 

September 4-8

I'm probably going to cry as I write this but I'm going to try not to. This has been the most wonderful couple of days. Wednesday night was so much fun: crazy but fun. I got to meet Alanna Powell who is the founder of Boldly Me: google them. They do amazing work and I love reading their daily aspirations on facebook. And then there's Carolyn. I got the biggest hug from her. If that was the only thing I did this trip, it was worth it. Whenever I'm in her presence, I just feel so much love. There aren't enough words to really explain it but it's a sort of feeling knowing that another person appreciates you for who you are and what you do.

Then the next day we had lunch. Granted I was super late because of LA traffic and I felt SO bad but it was THE best two hours ever. We laughed so much and again, my heart is just so thankful.

In October, it'll be five years since I met Carolyn. Knowing her has changed me completely. She has taught me so much about myself.

For anyone who knows the song from Wicked "For Good", it kind of makes me think of all of this. "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

The photo below is from Bingo night on Wednesday. Someone at our table snapped it and it's just kinda perfect.

Blessed.

I meant to start writing this the other day but never had the chance. But I'm glad because there's so much more to say now.

I've been waiting for September because I'd be going to LA for a few days. The night before leaving, I was working and one of the girls was so upset. Her mother lives in another country and my co-worker is unable to travel. The whole situation is so sad. It made me think: my mom only lives 30 minutes away and I can see her practically whenever. This all just opened my eyes that  I have to be more appreciative in my daily life.

Yesterday I got to LA and it was wonderful. And today....there are no words for today. I could just cry thinking about it. I am just incredibly lucky for the things I have in my life and the people. I can say proudly that I am content with my life and today...I am joyously happy.

9.5.13

Confidence

Some days I struggle with self confidence but I came across this yesterday. It'll be a daily reminder for me to be more confident.

2:30 AM Thoughts

I decided I was going to start blogging more even though no one really reads my blog, it's a good way for me to just think outloud, well here...you get the picture. Probably my best and worst quality is that I'm too kind. Good in the way that I'm always there for my friends and family when they need me but also it's my worst quality because it hurts my heart when those same actions are not reciprocated. In July, I talked privately with someone and in those 15 minutes alone with her, she genuinely cared about my life, about my plans and ABOUT ME. And I honestly cannot remember the last time someone did that. I don't expect a lot from people but when I care about someone, I at least expect them to care about me in return. There's a few people I want to talk generally about, people who have brought up these unsettling feelings within me.

1. A few years ago, I met someone who at the time was in all accounts a good friend. But recently, even though I've been extremely happy with the things going on in my life, it didn't feel as if she was happy for me. And I've realized maybe it's jealousy, who knows. But after awhile, it becomes exhausting when you are happy yet your "friend" doesn't share that. I've become tired of always reaching out. Maybe she'll get the hint, or maybe she won't.

 2. I have been planning my September trip to LA since about May. I bought tickets for Blake Shelton here at home and I invited my aunt. But over these last few months, it doesn't seem as if we're close at all. I'm always the one reaching out, calling. If it wasn't for me calling, I'd never hear from her. I've been stressing out lately about my return flight from LA and have been like "Oh, I have to get home for the concert" and all this and that. Today I realized why should I even care. Why should I cut my trip to LA short to rush home to attend a concert with someone who doesn't reach out to me. Maybe she'll get the hint and reach out to me. If she does, great...if not, then that's her loss.

 3. Probably the one that hurts more than anything else. My aunt and I have always been close. She's been like the sister I don't have, friend and mom my whole life. She was having problems in her life a few months ago and then there was such a shift. We used to hang out all the time and suddenly we didn't. At the time, I was going through my own stress but it finally subsided when I got a job that I just love. And the same applies here, if I don't reach out to her, I don't hear from her. Why is that? Why do I always have to be the one to care about people. Not that anything exciting is going on in my life...basically work and sleep right now but it's the thought. Anyway, back to the story. When she stayed with us for a few days in June, she was constantly on her phone texting like some high school aged girl. I knew right then she had a man in her life. Good for her, great for her honestly. But when you become so self obsorbed in your personal life that you no longer take time for family, people begin to notice.

It's just heavy on the heart to know that someone I see maybe four times a year if I'm lucky took more interest in my life and ME than the people who are supposedly closest with me, it strikes a nerve. And maybe I'm oversensitive. That could always be the case. Or it could just have opened my eyes. In the meantime, I've de-friended the three above. I'm sure they'll notice that and I'll get messages like: are you mad? Why did you defriend me? I haven't thought about what I'll say but hopefully something witty will come to me. If anything at all, I hope it opens their eyes to their behavior. Maybe it will and maybe it won't but I am glad I am able to see it for what it is. It's 2:30 AM, I'm exhausted. Maybe I'll try going to bed now.

Best California Trip Ever.

Every July I go to California for Fan Club Weekend and as much as I love it, most years it is just an okay trip because I have to deal with fans who are rude. But I can honestly say this was the best trip ever. Sure, I saw those people on occasion but it truly didn't matter because I was happy. I don't know how many pictures I'll end up posting here but for now I'll post two.

Carolyn. I could talk about her forever but I'll try to keep this short and sweet. I've known her almost as long as she's been on GH, a few months less give or take. I liked GH before she came on but she made me love GH and more importantly I adore her. She has done so much for me over these last few years and I am just so thankful to her. I can't really put into words what she means to me but she means a heck of a lot. Whenever I'm around her, I just feel so much better about myself and she radiates this light that I can never really explain. Before her event, I saw her outside of the event room and we hugged and I was so happy to see her. And that night, a bunch of us just talked for hours and it was amazing. I will always be thankful to her for how much she has impacted my life. I didn't get a picture with her friend Alex but I LOVE HER. Alex is a comedy genius. I met her last year at lunch and just adored her. She's hysterically funny and probably one of the most down to earth people on the planet. And she does this comedy show every month and ever since last year we had talked about my going and I finally went. It was laugh out loud funny. Carolyn couldn't make it but Alex was so wonderful. I stayed two hours after the show with some of her friends and we laughed and Alex made me feel so comfortable. Then she came to dinner with Carolyn and her other friends and I was so excited to see her. Her shows are always at the end of the month so it's a drag that whenever I go to LA outside of GH weekend, it's usually at the beginning or middle of the month. But I am so glad I got to spend time with her<3 Then there's Rick Hearst. When I started watching GH years ago, the only thing I remember is that Rick's character of Ric was crazy and he had Carly in a panic room. But during the last few years Rick was on the show they tried to redeem him a lot and I just miss him from the show. He's an incredible actor and he's probably my favorite male actor ever, maybe second next to Derk and Scott Reeves. I was so nervous seeing him again and my friend Kim was in line with me. I got up there and I told him how nervous I was and he gave me the BIGGEST HUG imaginable. And that what is pictured here.

He signed a picture I bought as well as a picture from the last event of Carolyn's that he came to a few years ago. He is just totally awesome. I can't wait to go back to LA in less than a month<3