A Little Crushed...

Two blogs in one night...not necessarily for a good reason.

Tonight gave me everything I needed to know. So I'm thankful. There is no need to be in limbo any longer. So I truly am thankful for that. It makes it easier. I know I made the best decision for myself, both in the short term and also the long term. As I wrote earlier, it takes different people a long time to catch on to situations and that's fine. But one day they will and that has everything to do with them and nothing to do with me.

I can't help but feel a little crushed because I'll be missing my favorite person ever. So that hurts more than I would like it to at this very moment.

But to be really cliche, everything happens for a reason. I know I will be better in the long run.

Finding Yourself...

I don't really know where to begin this one. Everyone has those friends that you're friendly with but you wouldn't call them up to tell them your everyday life. They're more like acquiantances. I have a few friends like that. I have one friend who is pretty stuck at the moment. She feels pretty lost about what she wants to do with her life, who her real friends are, and she has gotten to the point where she is over people trying to like her. We talked about such things for close to an hour. At the end of our conversation she said "you know, you're a really good friend...thank you." After how I've been feeling lately, it was really nice. For anyone who knows me, I am the worst at taking compliments. I can't take a compliment to save my life. But character flaws and all, the one good thing I can say about myself is that I'm a good friend. I have a huge heart and other people's happiness is way more important than my own.

I used to be so concerned about what other people thought of me. I always joke and say I should have been born at least 4-6 years earlier than I was. I just don't have the energy and/or patience for people's drama, bullshit, negativity and such. This last year or so was pretty eye opening for me. I lost some friends and some relationships and at the time I was probably sad. And at one point, I probably thought it had something to do with me. But I've come to realize that a lot of people don't realize what a good friend, listener, what other adjective you want to use, they have in someone until they've lost it.

There was a period of time where I was so concerned with what people thought of me. I tried so hard to impress some of them. And I realize now it wasn't worth it because those people only wanted something from me. They weren't interested in my thoughts, feelings, or me as a person. But never would I lie about something about myself just so I can project a particular image into the world.

People in their twenties are trying to find themselves, trying to figure out who they are as women/men yet some of them seem to get lost in that. They get too wrapped up in what everyone else thinks of them instead of being true to themselves. And as a bystandard, you can voice all of that but it's not setting in. But what gets me is when people have to lie about who they are, about themselves, just so they can look better in the eyes of everyone else. That has a lot to say about your confidence as a person. I don't know...it's just mind blowing. And the sad part of that is some people never grasp that. Maybe it's lack of maturity, refusal to be comfortable with ones' self....this may be another one for the ages.

Friendship...Life..Letting Go..

There's some saying about in your twenties how you realize who your true friends are. Those who value you and your friendship will remain and those who don't will leave. You know those movies where a train goes in slow motion before any sort of impact? That is what this feels like. You cannot stop said action. It is in progress. You just have to let it happen. And as much as you would like to stop such a disaster, you can't...it's out of your hands.

Friendship is a weird thing. In high school, you know that friendships won't last forever because people move on, people change and people do different things with their lives so it's only human that you'll fall out of touch. I always thought that after that point, those friends were the true ones. Even though life situations may have changed, they haven't. But I've come to realize that people you thought would never change do.

I've always wondered how seemingly good people could change in an instant? Is it because they just haven't matured? Is it because of their circles of friends? Or is it just because they're wishy washy. I've contemplated this for years and I'm still no closer to figuring it out. Maybe it's one of those questions for the ages.

But despite all of that, you know what's worse? I think the worst is knowing the place you're in with said person. You can't do anything to change it. You can feel it ending and there's nothing you can really do about it. You kind of just have to let it go.

Life has a way of being pretty ironic. Back in high school while everyone was testing out relationships for the first time, I watched it happen. And all the drama that surrounded it. I watched friends stop being friends over a SO. It's nothing I had to worry about until recently. But what makes me mad is the fact I'm doing such a good thing for someone, because it's important to them, yet I'll bet money on the fact that I'll be left to fend for myself amongst obnoxious, inappropriate and offensive people. This would have never been the case years ago. Never.

My biggest and worst character flaw would probably have to be that I care entirely too much about the feelings of others. And even if I have the right to be mad about a particular situation, if someone else is upset, that's more of a priority than how I'm feeling. It bothers me that more often than not, I care too much and other people don't. I've always thought I was a really good judge of character. I always thought I could read if people were truly being sincere. But obviously my radar on that is off.

Just a Little Love...

This is kinda going to be a mix of really happy and a touch of sad. But happy first. I've met this amazing guy who I am in love with. It was the most unexpected thing ever. I was over people, guys especially. But we had talked for months and I could always tell him the most random stuff of my life and he'd listen. And even on the days I found myself upset about something, on the verge of tears, I knew he would always listen to me. And it was the first time I truly felt that. And then when we started spending time together, I found myself smiling so much. The prospect of spending time with him made the days go by faster. And I found myself excited to see him again. He makes me smile and laugh and we don't even have to be doing anything. I would just be content sitting with him for however long. I've never been an emotional person and on the rare occurrences that I am, I hide it extremely well. But lately, the more time I spend with him, the more I find myself missing him. And the more I can't wait to spend time with him again. He really is amazing. And I'll never be ale to say that enough.

Now on an unrelated note. It had to be about two weeks ago, maybe less than that, someone I know said something pretty mean about someone else I know. I laughed it off as no big deal because her opinion was totally invalid. Invalid in every sense of the word. But the more I thought about it, I found myself angered that she felt the need to express such a negative opinion of someone else.

In Love...

I've never been an emotional person. I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have ever seen my cry. I do this thing where I try to fight it and if I'm with anyone, I try to stop myself from crying as much as humanly possible. But lately, especially tonight, I feel overcome with emotion. And the strangest part of that is it just came out of nowhere.

Everything has just been incredibly weird lately. I find myself smiling at the stupidest of things and overall, I just feel this happiness. Of course there are always those moments at work when I want to throttle college aged kids but for the most part there's just been this happiness. I'm not really used to it. It's just really weird for me. If anyone would have told me a month ago that a simple message from him would light up my day, I probably would have laughed. But it's true. Even when he's not around, just talking to him....happiness kinda consumes me.

Everything is a lot duller when he's not around. And when he is? Everything is ten times brighter. And we don't even really have to be doing anything. It's just really nice to sit with him and know he's there. Gosh, that just may be the sappiest thing I've ever written. But whatever, my emotions are kind of just pouring out.

For a long time, I thought I was in love once. But it was nothing like this. And even though I just saw him a few short hours ago, I totally miss him. A lot.

Okay, I'll try to reign in my sappiness.

Trust.

It's just going to be a heavy blog post sort of night.

The last few weeks have been such a whirlwind that I don't really now how to feel about any of it. I lost a dear friend and I can put a brave front on about the whole thing and say it doesn't bother me but part of it does. I have some character flaws but being a good friend isn't one of them. I'm that person who people can call no matter if it's 10pm or 9am. It gives me a little bit of solace that one day this said person will realize what exactly they missed out on.

 I have a small circle of close friends for a few reasons. One being I don't like my life being on display to people. And two I don't like running the risk of being hurt by those who once meant something to me. This year I've felt a lot of that. There have been people that have hurt me tremendously either by their words or their actions and each time it happens, it feels like a small piece of your heart is being chipped away. My last relationship really did a number on my heart. At one time, I truly believed in my heart that I would never have to meet another person romantically. Over time, he had my trust but eventually I learned that trust was misplaced on so many levels. And then most recently losing a friend who I trusted incredibly. I trusted that our friendship would be strong and would always remain.

I can feel myself slipping into trusting someone again. As much as I vowed up and down I wouldn't. Not again. Each time that trust is broken, it feels like you're losing a part of yourself. As if you wasted you time on someone who didn't deserve your love, attention, affection, what have you, to begin with.

My heart is tired and my head is confused.

Being Extremely Grateful

I was going to do one big blog post but they're two pretty unrelated things so I figured I'd do two separate ones.

The news of Robin Williams is one that is unbelievably sad. Usually celebrity deaths do not affect me one way or another. They are people who live completely different lives and we only know them via the character they portray in shows or movies. But what is so utterly sad is the fact that Robin Williams made us all laugh yet he dealt with this overwhelming sadness which no one will ever know how great that sadness was. But what is even worse than that is that he felt this overwhelming sadness that he could not escape and the only escape he had was to take his own life.

A few years ago I was a completely different person. I'll premise it by saying I don't know if it was depression, maybe it was, maybe it wasn't.  I just remember feeling such a sadness, a sense of alone. I was an easy target for my peers. I kept to myself, didn't get involved in high school drama, and wasn't the most attractive person to walk the halls. And things at home weren't much better. Between those two forces, I felt this incredible sadness. I felt really alone. I look back on it now, part of it had to do with the fact that I just was more mature than a lot of my peers. I didn't have the energy or care enough to get involved with all the drama. Even that being the case, I was an easy target. Thinking about one instance in particular still makes me tear up a little, this one girl was constantly on me. I came home some days and just cried. In my head I knew it was only temporary but at the time, it felt like it would never end.

I remember one day very clearly. I was in my basement watching General Hospital and this spunky red-haired woman appeared on the TV. I remember thinking "I like her" even though she was just some character on TV. Little did I know at that time she would become such a huge part of my life. At the time, I had no idea that within two years, she would become a dear friend.

Time would pass and I would continue to follow her on the show. And she would do these interviews that would really speak to me. She was more than just someone who played a kickass character on TV, she would be someone I'd to at least meet. I remember sitting in front of my laptop one day, playing one of her interviews where she said "I don't want anything to do with anyone who doesn't want anything to do with me because of the way I look. They are not people of good character and therefore I don't want to associate with them." That has really stuck with me. Even 5 or 6 years later. I don't remember how it started but we began exchanging emails. Then one fall day I got an email about her being in town for a personal appearance. I was so excited. I would finally get to meet someone who I admired, someone who I exchanged countless emails with. I will remember that day for the rest of my life. I was with a bunch of at the time friends when she approached us. Most of them had already met her but she knew who I was right off the bat. She made me stand and gave me the biggest hug imaginable. We all laughed at that table for and when the night was coming to a close, it was sad. But I was incredibly thankful for that day. The next year she came back again and our friendship grew. One summer when I was in LA, she invited me to dinner at her home. I was such in shock. I was in company of her closest friends. We laughed so much that night. Then again last summer she invited me over to her home for dinner. I remember standing in her kitchen, just talking about life, work and anything and everything in between. I smile when I think about the picture we took in her kitchen.

I have also been lucky enough to become friends with one of her friends, who is hands down one of the funniest people I have ever met in my entire life. But aside from her wit, she is the most genuine person. She does funny like no one I've ever met. I've learned a lot from her. Her take on life, friends, just everything is so on point. I will always be forever grateful to Carolyn to introducing me to the sweetheart that is Alex.

I was lucky. I had two amazing people come into my life. People who I value as dear friends.

I'm a different person than I was all those years ago. Am I still insecure about a lot of things? Sure am. Do I wish I was taller, prettier, maybe a little funnier? Sure do. But I don't let those insecurities lessen my worth.

Forgiveness.

A friend of mine recently had a shitty experience about someone she believed to be a friend who treated her pretty badly. While I don't know exactly what happened, she wrote something on Facebook that really just stuck. Forgiveness isn't about the other person. It's something you do for yourself. And at that point, you decide whether or not those persons flaws, despite them trying the best they can mange, are people you want in your life.

It made me think of this past year. It made me think about people I let into my life both relationships and friends. And a lot of it hurt. I don't like being so vulnerable but I was and most of those people turned out to be incredibly shitty. I can forgive them for the crap they did and how badly they made me feel. But you know what's more important than that. I can forgive them because I'm not doing it for their benefit, I'm doing it for mine. But I will never welcome them into my life again. They didn't deserve my time, attention, my kindness or any of that.

I recently lost someone I thought would be a good friend for a very long time. And I'm comfortable enough to admit, I cried a little when I lost that. I'm a very guarded person. I don't let that many people see me emotional. I don't let people in. I've let a few people in over the years, some turned out to be wonderful, people I'd trust with my life. But the ones that hurt me...the ones I let in and still hurt me? Those stung. And I hate being vulnerable because that means I'm allowing myself open to this kind of hurt again. This was kind of one of those. It hurt to know that  despite the honesty, despite the trueness of friendship, it wasn't enough. I now know it has everything to do with him and nothing to do with me. But it hurt like hell.

When I trust people enough to make them a part of my life, when that hurt creeps in, it hurts. I don't trust easily so when I get hurt despite not trusting easily, it kinda hurts.

But you know I've always been a big believer in karma. A few months ago I started talking to someone who never failed to make me smile even on days when that was difficult. Someone who would make me laugh at the lameness of things. Someone who listened to me when not many other people would. It was nice. Incredibly so. He's rare. And I don't know how long he'll be part of my life. But no matter how short or how long that time may be, I'll be thankful for knowing him. He reminds me that, while it can be rare, there are still incredibly good people out there.

Emotional Roller Coaster

So much has happened. And I don't really know how I feel about all of it. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions lately but it has now seemed to even out.

For anyone who knows me even remotely, I'm a loyal friend, first and foremost. I'm the person that people can call whenever, no matter if it's 10pm or 2am. I've always been that good listener, that shoulder to cry on. It all sounds pretty cliche but true. I have a good heart, maybe because I've had so many people treat me less than stellar and I know I never want to make someone feel how previous people had made me feel. Someone I thought was an amazing friend turned out not to be. We were alike in a lot of ways. And maybe that's why we turned out to be good friends. But it took me for a loop when he no longer wanted me as a friend. That was a low blow to the heart because I was probably the best friend he ever had. I was upset at first but the more I thought about it, it didn't even matter because one day he is going to wake up and realize he lost out on an amazing person. And that's not me being self centered. If nothing else, I know I am a good friend, loyal and true to a fault.

Right around the same time, I had a really nice night with someone who has been a friend first and foremost. He's listened to me ramble on about things he probably doesn't even care about and on the few times I've been upset, he's listened. It's been nice. He's nice.  I'll leave it at that for now.