My story....

I wouldn't say my life is perfect. What does perfection even mean? But it certainly is better. It was not always that way and here's my story. 

There are a lot of gaps and it doesn't necessarily matter to me anymore. It used to mean a lot though. I always wanted to know every detail but I learned along the way that it didn't matter. Me knowing every part of my childhood was not going to change anything. 

My parents were toxic for each other. They were two people who should have never been together. But they were. My dad was so bitter about his childhood that I guess it just transcended into his adult life. He was not a good person. He is basically a stranger to me and I wouldn't have it any other way because as a young child I was at the wrath of his anger.  

My mother had a problem with alcohol from the time she was my age. She also has bipolar disorder so growing up the mix of those two were toxic. I don't remember many incidents with her but when I was in second grade, she left. My parents had split and she had left to do whatever she was doing at the time. My dad took us to my grandmother's and left us there. He floated in and out of our life for a few years but as I grew older, I was pissed. I was pissed he moved halfway across the country with his new wife. He lied about a cancer diagnosis. 

Being a new kid in a new school in a new city as a second grader was hard. Fuck, school was hard when you don't fit in. If you're quiet, you're an easy target. And it was hard until high school. High school I met people who I can call friends who made me realize there was more to life than my current situation. The people who bullied me did so because they hated themselves so much. At the time, it was hard to grasp that but as time passed it became true. 

For so long I was angry at my mother for so many things. I eventually came around and realized she has a disease but that doesn't wipe away everything. Forgiveness is so hard but it's do-able. And just because I forgave didn't mean I forgot. 

The greatest lesson I ever learned was be kind to everyone because you have no idea what they're facing. I ran into people on campus, at work, even during my summers in California I would secretly judge them. If they didn't like me, I would bad mouth them to my friends. I learned that they might be fighting battles of their own and their opinion of me has nothing to do with me actually, more so to do with them and the people they are. 

Despite everything, I consider myself lucky. I have stumbled across people who have taught me the true meaning of friendship, love and acceptance. And the best days are the days that I feel their love and friendship surrounding me. 

The terrible tragedy in Virginia is so sad. So many reasons. It's so sad that two people who were doing their job were killed in such a senseless way. They were pretty close to my age so that thought is so sad. They had their whole lives ahead of them. Like I don't understand, you wake up one morning and go to work and you never come home to the people you love.

But I think the saddest part is that they were so happy with their significant others. They were so in love with their boyfriend and fiancée. Maybe it hits me different because I'm in love but it's so sad. You never know about the future, you don't know how long you'll be with said person but all that matters is right now you love them and they're important to you. I can't even imagine the sadness that their significant others are feeling. At the end of the day, little fights and disagreements don't even matter. The little things that make you mad for a few minutes are so not important. Just hold those you love close and let them know how much you love them.

My boyfriend texted me that he loved me today and I just started tearing up. I hear it all the time from him but today it made me emotionally.

Just let people know how much you love them.

My Love Letter to the Transgender Community.

It was only a few weeks ago when I was informed that we would have a large Transgender group staying at our property, we had a meeting on sensitivity training and the few days that they would stay finally arrived. It was probably the busiest week of my life. The days were long, tiring but at the end of those days I felt so humbled. They were the sweetest people I have ever encountered. I got to know some of them and their souls were just that of good people.

During our sensitivity meeting, one of the heads of the group told us that 40% of trans attempt/commit suicide. That's almost half of the community and the number didn't really mean something to me until this week. I met these wonderful people, people who were born as a gender they don't identify themselves to be. I can't even begin to imagine that. A few weeks ago there was a teen suicide of a young male who felt as female and wanted to transition as such but because of religious values amongst her family, it would never be possible. Throughout these last few days, that just sat in the back of mind. I found myself wondering out of all the people I met, how many had tried to take their own life. I'd like to hope none but that's my wishful thinking.

Today was emotional, I watched friends say goodbye to one another and the sadness that lingered was crushing. I had to think, if it was emotional for me, I couldn't even imagine how emotional it was for all of them.

There were about four individuals that just touched my soul and by meeting them, I know I have become a better person. They just had a profound affect on me.

One woman had killer nails on a few days ago and I complimented her on them. She proceeded to tell me that they were just stick on nails. She smiled and told me she'd bring me some. Not even two hours later, she came back down and gave me some. As I saw her for the last time today as she was leaving, she was dressed back in her 'normal' clothes as a man. I don't know if he dresses in drag or if he is wanting to become a woman but either way, it touched my soul because this person was just one of many who find themselves in the wrong body and this weekend was a chance for them to express themselves.

I think the one that really got to me was this woman who was just so sad to say goodbye to the other girls and everyone else. She said "I hate saying goodbye to friends", I watched as hugs were exchanged in the lobby and it was just one of those things where I found myself overcome with emotion. I am glad this conference exists, I am glad I got to witness people enjoying themselves and being able to express for who they really are.

There is one saying that has always been my guiding point but after this week even more so. "Be kind to everyone you meet because everyone is facing a battle you know nothing about."

I hope I will meet these people again but until then, I hope you live your life in a way that makes you happy because at the end of the day, that is all that matters. 

End of the Year Thoughts.

It's like 2 am and so it's only fitting I write random thoughts at such a late hour.

This year has flown by. I literally remember it just being March and now we're at the last 24 hours of 2014. I've had so many great, wonderful moments this year. Moments that I will never forget. 

The time I went to CT in January and my car battery died and it was so cold. And I had to wait over an hour for them to come jump start my car. The same weekend I drove to New York in a snow storm and the main road in Long Beach wasn't plowed and I was terrified because I could hear the car just slipping and sliding. This coming from the girl who doesn't drive in snow. 

I remember being in LA with my best friend and we had the best time. We spent time with some of our favorite people. The Habitat for Humanity guy loved us and there were just so many laughs and smiles that day. 

Being able to watch one of my dear friends interview people on the red carpet was one of the coolest things ever. It was one of those unreal experiences. 

Being able to walk around Nashville, taking in the sights, seeing the Reba exhibit, this country girl at heart was so in love. 

I got to go to Martha's Vineyard for the first time and it was so amazing and pretty and just wonderful. 

I just can't believe this year is over. I honestly believe this year was one of the better years. Sure, there was sadness. And at some points throughout the year, it felt like this overwhelming about of things going wrong and I found myself wondering if they would ever go right. But just because there was sad moments, it doesn't make the entire year bad. In fact, the amazing moments, the amazing who have touched my heart, that's what makes this year so great. 

I had to learn that not everyone has the best of intentions. I had to learn that sometimes people just suck. Plain and simple. And there are a few people I wish I never met but in their own way they taught me things. They taught me that I never want to be as selfish, self-centered and just plain rude as they were to me. 

In that same regard though, I met wonderful people this year. People who are just so bright that having them in the same room with you makes the entire room brighter even if it was in darkness. That's so lame and stuff but I've been lucky enough to meet good people. People who just have good hearts, good intentions and I find myself learning so much from them and simply by knowing these people, it has made me a much better person. 

I've lost friends this year, gained some back and those that I lost taught me something great: if people are meant to stay in your life, they'll find their way back. If not, they were never meant to stay. They were just taking up a temporary spot in your life. 

It's been such a good year overrall and I find myself a much happier person, having been able to see so much, do so much and just continuing to learn so much. 

Yay a New Blog Post

Okay so I'm the worst at maintaining this thing but as I sat in traffic on my way home tonight, I had some thoughts and what better place to share them then here. So here it goes.

I've alway been the type of person who wants to plan for things, not like life events or things of that nature. I want to know what's coming. I don't like to be blind sided by things. I don't know how to really explain this that makes sense. I just mean I like to have some idea of things, if that makes sense, even though it probably doesn't. There's some saying about plan for the best, expect the worst or the other way around. I probably just butchered that completely. But even so, that's kind of what I try to do. I like to at least prepare myself for the bad things because when you're unprepared for those things, it throws you for a loop and it's just a terrible feeling. But I've been trying in most aspects of my life just to be in the moment which is super hard for me. I think it's a difficult thing in general. It's just hard to take things moment by moment as they happen. It's rather difficult for me to just stay in the moment between work, school and a handful of other things.

School especially. I don't really know where I'm going. I jokingly tell people I'm over it but most of the time I truly do enjoy it. It's just hard for me to be in the moment when I'm thinking about how many semesters I have left. It makes me anxious knowing that all the classes I need to take aren't offered all the time. I'm attempting to be better about not being so anxious about that.

It's funny...work is the thing I'm taking day by day. I really do enjoy it. The other employees are so much nicer. The days are long, ten hour days and my body has had to get used to being up so early but I don't mind it. The property I'm working at is mostly a business hotel and there are a handful of business travelers that come every week and I've gotten to know them and that's just so cool.

I've always been the person who doesn't say much. I've gotten better about that. People can attest to the fact that sometimes I continuously go on about things and they probably wish I'd shut up. I've always been that person who just thinks, internalizes things and just keeps my thoughts up in this head of mine. Depending on who people are, I tend to talk a lot and they're probably like "oh my gosh, will she please shut up?'

As it comes to the end of the year, I think about all the events that have happened throughout the course of the year. Everything from school, work, friendship, people I've met...honestly just a whole range of different things. I've lost some friends, gained some back and there are people who are not meant to be in our lives. This year has been so eye opening. But in the same respect, my eyes are always very open. I'm aware, probably more so than most people. Most of my peers have these blinders on and they're wrapped up in their own world. There are people you hope will be part of your life for a long time but the truth is, they won't be. There were friends I respected, admired them and I appreciated the place they had in my life but for whatever reason, it didn't pan out. The more I think about, there's some saying about how each person we meet is meant to teach us something. Either they are a lesson of what we don't want to ever become or they teach us something wonderful about ourselves or they just enhance our life simply by being in it. That's how I feel. I feel two different ways 1. some people they come into our lives to teach us and make us aware that we never want to be like that. They make us aware that we would never want to disregard others' feelings like they have done to us or whatever the case may be. Then 2. It has something to do with being in the moment and not allowing yourself to get wrapped in the what if's. Not worrying about what is going to happen a week, a month or even a year from now. It's a work in progress for me since I don't have those blinders on and I'm more aware and I want to prepare myself as much as possible for anything and everything.

But I've also realized something else. We will meet some people, some amazing and special people. I know I have. Those types of people are rare. And if you happen to meet people like that, you should consider yourself truly lucky. Because I do. And even if those friendships or those people are no longer in your life at some point down the road, you will look back and have this feeling of 'I'm glad he or she was in my life even if it was for a short amount of time'. Because they taught you something about yourself, they taught you about who you are, who you can be if given the chance. I've met very few people like that. The number of people who fall into this category for me I could probably count on one hand. I know for me, these special people, are something so rare. And honestly by knowing such good, special and rare people, my life has been changed for the better. As lame as this is going to sound, those are the types of people who make you a better person simply by knowing them.

And on a completely different note, Christmas Eve is basically like a week away and I'm so excited because it's one of my favorite days of the year so there's that :)

I also love giving presents WAY more than I do receiving them. Don't get me wrong, receiving presents is really nice but I just like giving stuff to people that they'll actually like/enjoy.

Happiness and a random thought or two.

Usually I have a cute/witty title to put here but nothing is coming to me at the moment so there's that. Anyway, this will be a touch of sappy/happy and a touch of "ohmygosh I hate people." I'm kinda kidding about that.

Anyway, yesterday was such a great day. I thought Monday was the best day ever because I got to spend most of it with my very special boyfriend and we went to the zoo and I saw these beautiful elephants (which are my favorite) and also saw these red pandas and oh my gosh! They were all cute and fluffy and just so adorbs. But yesterday totally ties for the best day ever. I had my boyfriend with me and it was just so nice. It's always really nice to have him with me but yesterday was just incredibly nice. I'd post a picture we took but I look gross and he'd probably kill me if I put it up. :)

I like surprising people with cute stuff. Especially when they have no idea what it is. I did something kinda sorta cute today. And I can't wait to give it to my boyfriend the next time I see him even though I'm pretty sure he'll laugh and think it's the lamest ever. In that same regard, I've been looking at something else for a few days and so of course when I pulled it up tonight, it wouldn't go through. I'm like "why must the internet hate my existence?" I'm only kidding...well kinda. Anyone who knows me knows technology and I usually don't get along. But after some tries, a different option or two, it finally worked.

Now onto something less than stellar. To be honest, it's an annoyance really. I offered an olive branch to a former friend and I thought she'd take it but I wasn't holding my breath because of company she keeps, kind of person she has become and the list goes on. yet I'm made out to be the bad person. But that's okay. Sometimes my goodhearted nature isn't appreciated and that's obviously the case in this situation.

Because as I posted a blog or two ago, you have to just be in the moment of happiness. You can't worry about the happiness of next week or dwell on the happiness that used to be.

xoxo

So Sappy...forgive me.

I had debated whether or not to post this because it's going to be the sappiest thing I've ever written but I decided to go with it. And when he sees this, he's probably going to want to kill me but whatevs. ;)

Anyway, my main reason for writing this is because none of us know what's going to happen but no matter what happens a week from now, a month from now or even a year from now, I just know that I want to remember this feeling....this feeling of just plain happiness. That simply knowing him has made my life brighter and he makes me find reasons to laugh, even at the stupidest of things.

It had been a tiring week both physically and emotionally but seeing his smile and hearing his voice even though he was sick, it kinda made my entire day and it was really really nice.

 And something came to me today....it'll be a surprise of sorts.

Anyway, I should probably stop by sappiness (is that even a word? who knows) before I make anyone unfortunate enough to read this want to throw up.