There are a lot of gaps and it doesn't necessarily matter to me anymore. It used to mean a lot though. I always wanted to know every detail but I learned along the way that it didn't matter. Me knowing every part of my childhood was not going to change anything.
My parents were toxic for each other. They were two people who should have never been together. But they were. My dad was so bitter about his childhood that I guess it just transcended into his adult life. He was not a good person. He is basically a stranger to me and I wouldn't have it any other way because as a young child I was at the wrath of his anger.
My mother had a problem with alcohol from the time she was my age. She also has bipolar disorder so growing up the mix of those two were toxic. I don't remember many incidents with her but when I was in second grade, she left. My parents had split and she had left to do whatever she was doing at the time. My dad took us to my grandmother's and left us there. He floated in and out of our life for a few years but as I grew older, I was pissed. I was pissed he moved halfway across the country with his new wife. He lied about a cancer diagnosis.
Being a new kid in a new school in a new city as a second grader was hard. Fuck, school was hard when you don't fit in. If you're quiet, you're an easy target. And it was hard until high school. High school I met people who I can call friends who made me realize there was more to life than my current situation. The people who bullied me did so because they hated themselves so much. At the time, it was hard to grasp that but as time passed it became true.
For so long I was angry at my mother for so many things. I eventually came around and realized she has a disease but that doesn't wipe away everything. Forgiveness is so hard but it's do-able. And just because I forgave didn't mean I forgot.
The greatest lesson I ever learned was be kind to everyone because you have no idea what they're facing. I ran into people on campus, at work, even during my summers in California I would secretly judge them. If they didn't like me, I would bad mouth them to my friends. I learned that they might be fighting battles of their own and their opinion of me has nothing to do with me actually, more so to do with them and the people they are.
Despite everything, I consider myself lucky. I have stumbled across people who have taught me the true meaning of friendship, love and acceptance. And the best days are the days that I feel their love and friendship surrounding me.
