End of the Year Thoughts.

It's like 2 am and so it's only fitting I write random thoughts at such a late hour.

This year has flown by. I literally remember it just being March and now we're at the last 24 hours of 2014. I've had so many great, wonderful moments this year. Moments that I will never forget. 

The time I went to CT in January and my car battery died and it was so cold. And I had to wait over an hour for them to come jump start my car. The same weekend I drove to New York in a snow storm and the main road in Long Beach wasn't plowed and I was terrified because I could hear the car just slipping and sliding. This coming from the girl who doesn't drive in snow. 

I remember being in LA with my best friend and we had the best time. We spent time with some of our favorite people. The Habitat for Humanity guy loved us and there were just so many laughs and smiles that day. 

Being able to watch one of my dear friends interview people on the red carpet was one of the coolest things ever. It was one of those unreal experiences. 

Being able to walk around Nashville, taking in the sights, seeing the Reba exhibit, this country girl at heart was so in love. 

I got to go to Martha's Vineyard for the first time and it was so amazing and pretty and just wonderful. 

I just can't believe this year is over. I honestly believe this year was one of the better years. Sure, there was sadness. And at some points throughout the year, it felt like this overwhelming about of things going wrong and I found myself wondering if they would ever go right. But just because there was sad moments, it doesn't make the entire year bad. In fact, the amazing moments, the amazing who have touched my heart, that's what makes this year so great. 

I had to learn that not everyone has the best of intentions. I had to learn that sometimes people just suck. Plain and simple. And there are a few people I wish I never met but in their own way they taught me things. They taught me that I never want to be as selfish, self-centered and just plain rude as they were to me. 

In that same regard though, I met wonderful people this year. People who are just so bright that having them in the same room with you makes the entire room brighter even if it was in darkness. That's so lame and stuff but I've been lucky enough to meet good people. People who just have good hearts, good intentions and I find myself learning so much from them and simply by knowing these people, it has made me a much better person. 

I've lost friends this year, gained some back and those that I lost taught me something great: if people are meant to stay in your life, they'll find their way back. If not, they were never meant to stay. They were just taking up a temporary spot in your life. 

It's been such a good year overrall and I find myself a much happier person, having been able to see so much, do so much and just continuing to learn so much. 

Yay a New Blog Post

Okay so I'm the worst at maintaining this thing but as I sat in traffic on my way home tonight, I had some thoughts and what better place to share them then here. So here it goes.

I've alway been the type of person who wants to plan for things, not like life events or things of that nature. I want to know what's coming. I don't like to be blind sided by things. I don't know how to really explain this that makes sense. I just mean I like to have some idea of things, if that makes sense, even though it probably doesn't. There's some saying about plan for the best, expect the worst or the other way around. I probably just butchered that completely. But even so, that's kind of what I try to do. I like to at least prepare myself for the bad things because when you're unprepared for those things, it throws you for a loop and it's just a terrible feeling. But I've been trying in most aspects of my life just to be in the moment which is super hard for me. I think it's a difficult thing in general. It's just hard to take things moment by moment as they happen. It's rather difficult for me to just stay in the moment between work, school and a handful of other things.

School especially. I don't really know where I'm going. I jokingly tell people I'm over it but most of the time I truly do enjoy it. It's just hard for me to be in the moment when I'm thinking about how many semesters I have left. It makes me anxious knowing that all the classes I need to take aren't offered all the time. I'm attempting to be better about not being so anxious about that.

It's funny...work is the thing I'm taking day by day. I really do enjoy it. The other employees are so much nicer. The days are long, ten hour days and my body has had to get used to being up so early but I don't mind it. The property I'm working at is mostly a business hotel and there are a handful of business travelers that come every week and I've gotten to know them and that's just so cool.

I've always been the person who doesn't say much. I've gotten better about that. People can attest to the fact that sometimes I continuously go on about things and they probably wish I'd shut up. I've always been that person who just thinks, internalizes things and just keeps my thoughts up in this head of mine. Depending on who people are, I tend to talk a lot and they're probably like "oh my gosh, will she please shut up?'

As it comes to the end of the year, I think about all the events that have happened throughout the course of the year. Everything from school, work, friendship, people I've met...honestly just a whole range of different things. I've lost some friends, gained some back and there are people who are not meant to be in our lives. This year has been so eye opening. But in the same respect, my eyes are always very open. I'm aware, probably more so than most people. Most of my peers have these blinders on and they're wrapped up in their own world. There are people you hope will be part of your life for a long time but the truth is, they won't be. There were friends I respected, admired them and I appreciated the place they had in my life but for whatever reason, it didn't pan out. The more I think about, there's some saying about how each person we meet is meant to teach us something. Either they are a lesson of what we don't want to ever become or they teach us something wonderful about ourselves or they just enhance our life simply by being in it. That's how I feel. I feel two different ways 1. some people they come into our lives to teach us and make us aware that we never want to be like that. They make us aware that we would never want to disregard others' feelings like they have done to us or whatever the case may be. Then 2. It has something to do with being in the moment and not allowing yourself to get wrapped in the what if's. Not worrying about what is going to happen a week, a month or even a year from now. It's a work in progress for me since I don't have those blinders on and I'm more aware and I want to prepare myself as much as possible for anything and everything.

But I've also realized something else. We will meet some people, some amazing and special people. I know I have. Those types of people are rare. And if you happen to meet people like that, you should consider yourself truly lucky. Because I do. And even if those friendships or those people are no longer in your life at some point down the road, you will look back and have this feeling of 'I'm glad he or she was in my life even if it was for a short amount of time'. Because they taught you something about yourself, they taught you about who you are, who you can be if given the chance. I've met very few people like that. The number of people who fall into this category for me I could probably count on one hand. I know for me, these special people, are something so rare. And honestly by knowing such good, special and rare people, my life has been changed for the better. As lame as this is going to sound, those are the types of people who make you a better person simply by knowing them.

And on a completely different note, Christmas Eve is basically like a week away and I'm so excited because it's one of my favorite days of the year so there's that :)

I also love giving presents WAY more than I do receiving them. Don't get me wrong, receiving presents is really nice but I just like giving stuff to people that they'll actually like/enjoy.

Happiness and a random thought or two.

Usually I have a cute/witty title to put here but nothing is coming to me at the moment so there's that. Anyway, this will be a touch of sappy/happy and a touch of "ohmygosh I hate people." I'm kinda kidding about that.

Anyway, yesterday was such a great day. I thought Monday was the best day ever because I got to spend most of it with my very special boyfriend and we went to the zoo and I saw these beautiful elephants (which are my favorite) and also saw these red pandas and oh my gosh! They were all cute and fluffy and just so adorbs. But yesterday totally ties for the best day ever. I had my boyfriend with me and it was just so nice. It's always really nice to have him with me but yesterday was just incredibly nice. I'd post a picture we took but I look gross and he'd probably kill me if I put it up. :)

I like surprising people with cute stuff. Especially when they have no idea what it is. I did something kinda sorta cute today. And I can't wait to give it to my boyfriend the next time I see him even though I'm pretty sure he'll laugh and think it's the lamest ever. In that same regard, I've been looking at something else for a few days and so of course when I pulled it up tonight, it wouldn't go through. I'm like "why must the internet hate my existence?" I'm only kidding...well kinda. Anyone who knows me knows technology and I usually don't get along. But after some tries, a different option or two, it finally worked.

Now onto something less than stellar. To be honest, it's an annoyance really. I offered an olive branch to a former friend and I thought she'd take it but I wasn't holding my breath because of company she keeps, kind of person she has become and the list goes on. yet I'm made out to be the bad person. But that's okay. Sometimes my goodhearted nature isn't appreciated and that's obviously the case in this situation.

Because as I posted a blog or two ago, you have to just be in the moment of happiness. You can't worry about the happiness of next week or dwell on the happiness that used to be.

xoxo

So Sappy...forgive me.

I had debated whether or not to post this because it's going to be the sappiest thing I've ever written but I decided to go with it. And when he sees this, he's probably going to want to kill me but whatevs. ;)

Anyway, my main reason for writing this is because none of us know what's going to happen but no matter what happens a week from now, a month from now or even a year from now, I just know that I want to remember this feeling....this feeling of just plain happiness. That simply knowing him has made my life brighter and he makes me find reasons to laugh, even at the stupidest of things.

It had been a tiring week both physically and emotionally but seeing his smile and hearing his voice even though he was sick, it kinda made my entire day and it was really really nice.

 And something came to me today....it'll be a surprise of sorts.

Anyway, I should probably stop by sappiness (is that even a word? who knows) before I make anyone unfortunate enough to read this want to throw up.

Untitled.

 This blog constantly changes to lyrics that I really just love or that mean something at a particular time. And since Taylor Swift's CD comes out like next week, hence the change in blog title.

I don't really have a title for this because it's kind of hard to title something like this. I've written some pretty heavy stuff here lately. And unfortunately, this one kind of has to fall into that category too.

The Best of Me came out tonight and I saw it was my very special boyfriend. And it didn't disappoint because any movies based off a Nicholas Sparks book are generally good. Most of them are cute love ones and this one was no different. But it brought something out in me. It made me think of something I haven't thought of in years.

Not that anyone really reads this but for the sake of not giving the entire movie away, let's just say the father of a certain character was a total jerk. I could use a much stronger word but I figure I'd try to keep this blog PG rated. Anyway, he was just a mean, sorry excuse for a human being. And at one point, Dawson was showing his scars. I think that's what really did me in. It really took me back to a part of my past that I haven't thought about in years. Scars don't have to be physical. They can be words that were said, actions that were taken, it can be a variety of different things. It doesn't necessarily hurt anymore but it was more like a reminder of something that I just haven't had the need to think about in a really long time.

I'm not big on confrontation or big yelling arguments. Probably because my biggest character flaw is that I just have a good heart. I say sorry way too much and I generally just care way more about people than I ever would about myself. So when there's someone literally inches away from me, screaming some sort of profanity or other harsh words, I don't take that lightly. It shouldn't even happen once, let alone a handful of times.

The more I think about it actually, I don't think I've ever really gotten into a major argument with anyone. At least not one where I was yelling or saying harsh words, sure I've been on the receiving end, hence mentioned above. Sure, I've raised my voice to people and even that was a stretch to be honest.

Even worse than that is when someone intentionally violates your space. As if having hands on you is going to automatically you respect them or their point of view. The exact opposite happens actually. It's never okay to do something like that.

I don't really know what the point of all of this is, it was just some random thoughts I had. And it doesn't even necessarily hurt anymore, it's more of a reminder of what part of your life used to be.

Anyway, I'd like to end this on a happy note because I'm happy. As I was scrolling through Twitter not too long ago, I read this "when you realize happiness isn't next weekend, and it's not last week, it's right now" And it's really fitting because right now I'm very much happy. And reading that also reminded me that you just have to be happy in the wonderful moments you're lucky enough to have. No one knows what's going to happen but in this moment you're happy and nothing else really matters. 

Totally sappy but whatever.

Just a clear warning, this will probably be the sappiest post I've ever made in my whole life but whatever. Thought I'd toss that out there.

For the longest time, when I'd see people in love, I'd do a little eye roll and my not pleased look. But people used to tell me "you won't feel that way when you're in love." I didn't believe them and thought they were out of their mind. But it's happened. I've become one of those people that I used to constantly roll my eyes at. My heart is just so full of love whenever he's with me and when he's not, it's a pretty crappy feeling honestly.

If anyone would have told me 5 months ago that an amazing guy would come into my life, make me completely happy all the time and that I would be counting down the days until I got to spend time with him again, I would have thought they were crazy. Out of their damn mind. But all of that has happened too. I don't know when exactly or how it happened but somewhere along the way, he took a hold of my heart. And it's never been the same. Whenever something happens, he's the first person I want to tell. And on the days I find myself missing him, I get this urge to call him, just to talk to him. I haven't become that lame yet.

I don't do the whole girlfriend thing well at all. Usually what happens is that people who are initially interested in me, it doesn't last very long. But he manages to put up with me and all the not so great things about me and there are a few of those, I'm sure. Every day that he is in my life, it truly makes me feel like the luckiest girl walking the earth. And if there ever comes a day when he isn't in my life, I will still be incredibly thankful because in the short time we've been together, he's given me so much happiness. More happiness than I ever thought anyone could ever make me feel.

You know how you meet people and you feel like you become a better person simply by knowing them. That's exactly how I feel about him. Simply by having him in my life, he has made me a better person.

I could go on about how special he is and all the amazing things he makes me feel but I think I've been sappy enough.

Music..thoughts..the regular for me.

I so should be sleeping right now because the alarm is going to go off in about 5 hours but sleep for the weak and it doesn't technically matter.

So I went to Target tonight and bought some super cute stuff including an Ingrid Michaelson CD who just speaks to my soul at the moment. And on my 30 minute drive home (the whole night was pointless tbh) minus the cute stuff I bought at Target before hand.

Beautiful song. I've always liked this song. It doesn't describe how I'm feeling but it's such a pretty song and I've loved it for years.

I love this song. Currently my favorite (aside from Blake Shelton stuff atm). Like why do we bother? Honestly. For what? Catchy song and I love it.

As I scrolled tumblr and twitter when I came home tonight, someone posted this and it speaks to the soul.

It's gonna hurt because it matters. 
Truest thing I have ever read.

And with that, the 6AM is going to come in a blink of an eye.

xoxo

Cute music stuff.

Since my last post was kind of all over the placce, I decided to post my favorite song at the moment. (The music video is the cutest ever too...)

These are the things that you learn when your heart wants to burn, burn, burn. 

Knowing she's mad or she's really just drunk. 

Existence..Importance..late night random thoughts.

I had this great idea to get to sleep early yet here I sit, awake listening to a combination of my favorite music (TFIOS soundtrack, Taylor Swift and some Blake Shelton) with chai tea. So I can't promise that song lyrics won't show up.

Where to start....hmm. I wrote a Facebook post earlier tonight about existence but I ended up deleting it because I figured I'd just write more about it here. I think as people we wish our existence would be enough for people, that knowing our existence is present would actually matter but truth be told, it doesn't. People can pretend that it does but it totally doesn't. Our existence only matters to us and it only matters to people when it's convenient. Funny how that works.

The other thing is about opportunities. Opportunities are present to people to do what they will with them and if they miss out on them, that's on them. That one is kinda like karma for me. Give it some time and they'll realize what they missed out on. They may realize it a few hours from that point, but most likely a few days and at that point, it'll simply be a missed opportunity. What truly gets me though is people ask me something, I give them an opportunity and they don't take it. But that's okay. That's perfectly fine actually.

What if your heart was full of love, could you give it up....

There's some quote I came across on Tumblr a few weeks ago about how if you think everyone has the same heart as you, you'll be disappointed. This has come to fruition in many aspects of my life. By nature, I just have a good heart. At this point, I wish I didn't. I'm that person who people know they can call at 10pm or 3am. I'm also that person who is constantly making time for people. And it's not that I get upset when that isn't reciprocated, it's more like a defeat, a disappointment, to be honest.

One of my funniest yet most genuine friends wrote an essay a few months and the tag line was actions speak louder than what we say. Ever since I heard it, that's the line I use when people say stuff to me. Sure, you can tell me I'm your best friend, that I'm so important, and all other compliments that I would normally love to hear but when push comes to shove and you can't be bothered to demonstrate that through your actions, then what is the point really.

And that was the moment I knew.

I guess it goes back to our own existence. Our existence doesn't matter to anyone else, despite us hoping it would be and despite the words of others. And maybe our existence is important to someone, someone out there, and they haven't realized it yet. And maybe they never will. It's kind of one of those things that I ponder.

Come on skinny love, just last the year. We were never here. 

But despite all those not so great feelings I'm feeling atm, I know those will pass. I know come tomorrow or the day after, they won't matter as much as they do now. But I think more than all that,t he worst feeling is fear. There was this quote on tumblr about how the worst goodbye is knowing you won't say hello again and I think that's something that just eats at my soul. I've known people who were important to me once and I never thought I'd lose that. But I did. And I don't know what I'm trying to say here, I just know that it spoke to me.

Anyway, now that I've rambled on far too long. I'm going to post some cute things/things that speak to me at the moment.

Sorry, the typical girl in me is such a sap for Nicholas Sparks.

I just love everything about fall. Scarves, sweaters, leaves, apple picking, pumpkin everything.

There's no picture for it but I love fairs this time of year. Everything is just super pretty.

So yeah, a little bit of my random late night thoughts and things I like.

If your heart was full of love, would you give it up....

Lines from TFIOS soundtrack may appear throughout this blog so there's that.

I just feel so much, my biggest character flaw, tbh. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who could just turn off emotions, feelings, thoughts. And as much as I'm feeling right now, I just don't want to write about it all because it'll make me emotional, sad and a whole bunch of other crap..totally fun times. Not.

Anyway, I'm going to post some of my favorite sayings from Tumblr that I came across, stuff that really spoke to me.

Some random thoughts......I wonder if it's easier to just feel so little instead of feeling so much. I feel like it's one of those terrible, unanswerable questions.

And the other thing is, do you shut yourself off from such a good feeling to save yourself from hurt, ending, ect? I don't know...you can either lose out on something to save yourself from feeling so much or you can hold onto it for as long as possible but then realistically lose it. I don't know which is better or worse. Both sound like less than stellar options. 

Keeping yourself locked away is never a good option but I see why people do it. It guards them. It guards them from feeling too much..from caring too much.

I don't know what my point of that was but yeah...it's kind of funny, not really though.

To get away from all the emotional, feeling too much, stuff, I'll post some of my other favorite things. Since fall is my favorite season, most of these will be my favorite things in fall.

 This picture was just cute and cozy and all fall-ish so yeah.

 Nights are just beautiful and cool and just all picturesque.

 Pumpkin Spice everything.

Some of my favorite songs at the moment: 

                                         

Uncertainty....

The air was cold but something 'bout it felt like home somehow. 

(Don't mind me if random Taylor Swift lyrics show up. Her album comes out in like a month so I'm super excited)

Anyway...I tempted to write this earlier but with my allergies, it kinda made it difficult to see the screen in front of me. This is just going to be a lot of random things.

You know those moments when you think of a bad memory? As much as you'd wish to forget them or erase them from your mind entirely, you can't. I remember it like it was just yesterday. The words were cold and it felt like an elephant was crushing my chest (you know like in that commercial). It was like the wind was knocked out of me. I didn't understand and it hurt. I remember the voice too, so cold, dismissive and as much as I've tried to forget that memory, it's in the back of my mind and sometimes it comes into the forefront. As much as I would love to protect my heart from that again, my head knows it could very possibly happen again. And I don't like those odds.

I had a conversation with someone about this very same thing a few weeks ago. I don't necessarily believe it but he said something pretty fitting "Regretting something not done is worse than regretting something done." For anyone who knows me even remotely, I'm not a very emotional person. I like to keep things close to the vest, as they say. There are very few people who have seen me at my worst, I try to keep it that way. But once it happens, I find myself vulnerable and I'm not used to that feeling. I don't like it much.

There are people that we're just comfortable with. I can't really explain it. It's one of those things where just their company makes you comfortable. Let it be friends, family or anyone else for that matter. It's a really nice feeling but over the last few months I've learned that someone you may feel utterly comfortable with today may not be tomorrow. And you don't know when that's going to happen and that's the worse part. Knowing that people who have seen a glimpse of your soul, your being, may not always be there. I don't really know where I'm going with any of this. It's kinda one big circle at this point. But I feel like as people, we want to be good to other people in hopes that it will be reciprocated on some level or another but the unfortunate part is that it's usually not. Usually you're trying so hard hoping for something. I guess that just means that some people have a better heart than others.

It would've felt like a million shining stars had just aligned and I would've been so happy. 

I don't know how to word this without it sounding so negative. It really isn't. Things kinda just feel at a stand still. I think part of it has to do with the fact that a lot of people I once knew are figuring out their lives. Don't get me wrong, I really do like classes but for some reason, I'm just not feeling it. The best way to even remotely explain it is just a ball of uncertainty.

For the last few months I've also had this car shopping/looking thing lingering. That is almost resolved. Hopefully.

If there is anything about me to learn from any of this, the idea of uncertainty isn't pleasing to me.

As really lame and sappy as this is going to sound, when I think about the uncertainty and it starts to overwhelm me, I think about a wonderful evening I just had pretty recently. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, it was just really nice. Just laying there and talking about things. I don't know how to really explain this one either but it was just nice for me to be able to talk to someone without holding anything back. Lame I know. I've turned into a pretty lame and sappy person. My bad.

What about...

I have this really bad tendency to pour my heart to the keyboard at all hours of the night when normal people are asleep. But since my sleeping schedule is so messed up at the moment, I'll just have to be okay with my night owl tendencies. It's a bad idea to attempt to write this while I listen to the TFIOS soundtrack as the movie comes out next week but it's just so pretty and I can't wait to buy the movie....okay moving on!(I'll just continue to quote the song lyrics as I'm totally lame like that)

We know full well there's just time

I don't know what it is. Maybe losing a once dear friend made me realize that there will people you never thought you'd lose and you do. And it's not even because I'm sad I lost her. She has a crap ton of karma coming to her and that's on her but I mean generally...there are people who touch your heart so greatly and you think they'll be part of your life for a really long time but reality came knocking and made me realize that despite people claiming to always be there, there will come a time where they won't.

Most people don't know this about me, only those who really know me do, I have this tendency to care about other people way more than I care about myself. I wish that wasn't the case. I have an incredibly good heart and that is usually a huge disadvantage to situations. And the majority of the time I wish I could turn it off. Not to sound self absorbed because I'm the furthest thing from that but I'm a good person. At least I try to be. And somewhere along the line that gets me incredibly hurt.

About a month ago, I said something, something that I thought was for the best. And I almost wish now I would have went with it. I don't like caring so much about people. Most people don't have good intentions or are self absorbed in some way. I don't know...I don't let people do anything for me, that's just in my nature but I just don't like this overwhelming caring feeling. I wish there was a button to turn it off. To turn it all off.

A few posts ago, I wrote about how with my now ex-best friend, it was a train crash waiting to happen and there was nothing I could to do stop it. I was right about that. It ended. It was already in motion. And while part of me doesn't like that a long friendship ended, I also came to realize she wasn't someone I wanted in my life any longer. But I feel that again. It's not the same thing. It's actually two different things but they feel similar. And there was one other time I felt like this and I was right about that one. It crushed me in ways I couldn't even depict enough in this post. I've kinda gone on in circles about this but I guess what I'm trying to say is that when your heart is in something, it's only a matter of time before it all crashes and burns around you. So the question becomes do you let it or not?

They will come, they will go, make us special...

But even more than all of that, I think the worst part of it is knowing things can and most often times will change after a certain situation. It's almost like that train crash that you know is inevitable but you can't stop it.Things can be great and then after you give into something, it changes. I think about two specific instances when I mention this. The first was an eye opener. It taught me a lot. I'm not thankful it happened but I'm thankful of what it taught me. The second...it taught me some stuff too. It was one of those things that you wanted something to work so badly, thinking it would change everything. That one was probably my biggest regret. Because once you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you're opening yourself up to a lot of things you don't need. A lot of hurt, a lot of mistakes. The whole idea of being vulnerable is not pleasing to me. But once it happens, there's no really taking it back.As much as I'd like to turn it off. Hell, I'd like to turn off a lot.....

It's been a lot of ramblings. Too many actually.

I'd kill for a little simplicity. That would be nice.

For Good...

 (And yes..I titled this from Wicked. I'm a musical lover at heart.)

I attempted to write this last night but I was just so emotional. Everything from this week has just caught up to me. It's been an emotionally draining week.

I lost someone that I believed to be my best friend. There are a few things I kept quiet about these last few months. Something in particular. But as I thought about it, it didn't really concern me. But it bothered me that was completely fine with telling people untrue things. And for what? To make herself look better. But like I said, it wasn't my problem.

But what really pushed the envelope was something she said about me. It was meant to be funny but because I'm a relatively private person I don't feel the need to express every detail of my very private life with people. But what really got me, more than that, was something she said about someone I deeply care about. Totally uncalled for. That hurt. It hurt that she thought that but it hurt even more that she thought it was okay to express such a mean, negative opinion.

But even despite that, I was willing to put that all behind. Because our friendship has been going on for years. As hard as I tried to put those things behind me, it still hurt. But I was getting there.

The one thing about me that people need to know is that I can be the friendliest person, a social butterfly, to those I know/comfortable with. But put me in a situation with people I don't know, people who can be offensive, inappropriate, then there's a problem. That was another issue I was having. I voiced that, she seemed to understand.

Next day I get wind of a situation about these people. And my decision was made. There was no way in hell I'd spend time with those people. I'm nice and sweet and great to everyone (I really do try!) but say something inappropriate, offensive to me, all bets are off. But what still gets me mad (even though I really have to let it go) is that she was more concerned about having a drunkfest party rather than spending her best friend there. That's okay though. I'll remember that. I'll also remember how I haven't seen my favorite person since April and she knew this but the drunkfest party was more important than working things out with her best friend.

2. For anyone who has ever heard me talk about my brother, they mostly hear me say that he is a royal pain and drives me up a wall. Most of the summer was spent letting him in at all hours of the night when I was trying to go to sleep. So needless to say, I was annoyed. But without going into much detail on here, he's had some trouble lately and he'll be gone for the next two months. I can't even begin to explain how quiet the house is without him. And as annoying as he can be especially when he sees me smiling as I text my boyfriend, he was often mocking me, I totally miss him. It didn't hit me until last night. I was at work and he called and I've been thinking about it ever since. We  have the whole 5 years apart age difference thing going so usually we're at each others' throat but it's just so weird without him.

3. Lastly, someone I once knew reached out to me. Someone I would be glad to never hear from ever again. It's too long to explain. But to keep things simple, it was someone who hurt me immensely, broke my trust and made me feel less than on a constant basis. But that's a period of time, I would like to forget if at all possible. Anyway, this person is moving and when I heard the news, I felt sad. Fucked up right? I got over that sadness real quick though.

This is probably the longest post I've written but a lot of this has been weighing heavily on me this last week or so. And I'm sorry to anyone who actually reads through the whole thing.

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them. (Again, sorry for the musical reference but Wicked is epic so there)

After all of that depressing stuff, I think a little bit of happiness is in order. On Friday, I got to spend some time with my very amazing boyfriend. He is just wonderful and amazing. And I can't say enough good things about him. But I don't want become overly sappy.

A Little Crushed...

Two blogs in one night...not necessarily for a good reason.

Tonight gave me everything I needed to know. So I'm thankful. There is no need to be in limbo any longer. So I truly am thankful for that. It makes it easier. I know I made the best decision for myself, both in the short term and also the long term. As I wrote earlier, it takes different people a long time to catch on to situations and that's fine. But one day they will and that has everything to do with them and nothing to do with me.

I can't help but feel a little crushed because I'll be missing my favorite person ever. So that hurts more than I would like it to at this very moment.

But to be really cliche, everything happens for a reason. I know I will be better in the long run.

Finding Yourself...

I don't really know where to begin this one. Everyone has those friends that you're friendly with but you wouldn't call them up to tell them your everyday life. They're more like acquiantances. I have a few friends like that. I have one friend who is pretty stuck at the moment. She feels pretty lost about what she wants to do with her life, who her real friends are, and she has gotten to the point where she is over people trying to like her. We talked about such things for close to an hour. At the end of our conversation she said "you know, you're a really good friend...thank you." After how I've been feeling lately, it was really nice. For anyone who knows me, I am the worst at taking compliments. I can't take a compliment to save my life. But character flaws and all, the one good thing I can say about myself is that I'm a good friend. I have a huge heart and other people's happiness is way more important than my own.

I used to be so concerned about what other people thought of me. I always joke and say I should have been born at least 4-6 years earlier than I was. I just don't have the energy and/or patience for people's drama, bullshit, negativity and such. This last year or so was pretty eye opening for me. I lost some friends and some relationships and at the time I was probably sad. And at one point, I probably thought it had something to do with me. But I've come to realize that a lot of people don't realize what a good friend, listener, what other adjective you want to use, they have in someone until they've lost it.

There was a period of time where I was so concerned with what people thought of me. I tried so hard to impress some of them. And I realize now it wasn't worth it because those people only wanted something from me. They weren't interested in my thoughts, feelings, or me as a person. But never would I lie about something about myself just so I can project a particular image into the world.

People in their twenties are trying to find themselves, trying to figure out who they are as women/men yet some of them seem to get lost in that. They get too wrapped up in what everyone else thinks of them instead of being true to themselves. And as a bystandard, you can voice all of that but it's not setting in. But what gets me is when people have to lie about who they are, about themselves, just so they can look better in the eyes of everyone else. That has a lot to say about your confidence as a person. I don't know...it's just mind blowing. And the sad part of that is some people never grasp that. Maybe it's lack of maturity, refusal to be comfortable with ones' self....this may be another one for the ages.

Friendship...Life..Letting Go..

There's some saying about in your twenties how you realize who your true friends are. Those who value you and your friendship will remain and those who don't will leave. You know those movies where a train goes in slow motion before any sort of impact? That is what this feels like. You cannot stop said action. It is in progress. You just have to let it happen. And as much as you would like to stop such a disaster, you can't...it's out of your hands.

Friendship is a weird thing. In high school, you know that friendships won't last forever because people move on, people change and people do different things with their lives so it's only human that you'll fall out of touch. I always thought that after that point, those friends were the true ones. Even though life situations may have changed, they haven't. But I've come to realize that people you thought would never change do.

I've always wondered how seemingly good people could change in an instant? Is it because they just haven't matured? Is it because of their circles of friends? Or is it just because they're wishy washy. I've contemplated this for years and I'm still no closer to figuring it out. Maybe it's one of those questions for the ages.

But despite all of that, you know what's worse? I think the worst is knowing the place you're in with said person. You can't do anything to change it. You can feel it ending and there's nothing you can really do about it. You kind of just have to let it go.

Life has a way of being pretty ironic. Back in high school while everyone was testing out relationships for the first time, I watched it happen. And all the drama that surrounded it. I watched friends stop being friends over a SO. It's nothing I had to worry about until recently. But what makes me mad is the fact I'm doing such a good thing for someone, because it's important to them, yet I'll bet money on the fact that I'll be left to fend for myself amongst obnoxious, inappropriate and offensive people. This would have never been the case years ago. Never.

My biggest and worst character flaw would probably have to be that I care entirely too much about the feelings of others. And even if I have the right to be mad about a particular situation, if someone else is upset, that's more of a priority than how I'm feeling. It bothers me that more often than not, I care too much and other people don't. I've always thought I was a really good judge of character. I always thought I could read if people were truly being sincere. But obviously my radar on that is off.

Just a Little Love...

This is kinda going to be a mix of really happy and a touch of sad. But happy first. I've met this amazing guy who I am in love with. It was the most unexpected thing ever. I was over people, guys especially. But we had talked for months and I could always tell him the most random stuff of my life and he'd listen. And even on the days I found myself upset about something, on the verge of tears, I knew he would always listen to me. And it was the first time I truly felt that. And then when we started spending time together, I found myself smiling so much. The prospect of spending time with him made the days go by faster. And I found myself excited to see him again. He makes me smile and laugh and we don't even have to be doing anything. I would just be content sitting with him for however long. I've never been an emotional person and on the rare occurrences that I am, I hide it extremely well. But lately, the more time I spend with him, the more I find myself missing him. And the more I can't wait to spend time with him again. He really is amazing. And I'll never be ale to say that enough.

Now on an unrelated note. It had to be about two weeks ago, maybe less than that, someone I know said something pretty mean about someone else I know. I laughed it off as no big deal because her opinion was totally invalid. Invalid in every sense of the word. But the more I thought about it, I found myself angered that she felt the need to express such a negative opinion of someone else.

In Love...

I've never been an emotional person. I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have ever seen my cry. I do this thing where I try to fight it and if I'm with anyone, I try to stop myself from crying as much as humanly possible. But lately, especially tonight, I feel overcome with emotion. And the strangest part of that is it just came out of nowhere.

Everything has just been incredibly weird lately. I find myself smiling at the stupidest of things and overall, I just feel this happiness. Of course there are always those moments at work when I want to throttle college aged kids but for the most part there's just been this happiness. I'm not really used to it. It's just really weird for me. If anyone would have told me a month ago that a simple message from him would light up my day, I probably would have laughed. But it's true. Even when he's not around, just talking to him....happiness kinda consumes me.

Everything is a lot duller when he's not around. And when he is? Everything is ten times brighter. And we don't even really have to be doing anything. It's just really nice to sit with him and know he's there. Gosh, that just may be the sappiest thing I've ever written. But whatever, my emotions are kind of just pouring out.

For a long time, I thought I was in love once. But it was nothing like this. And even though I just saw him a few short hours ago, I totally miss him. A lot.

Okay, I'll try to reign in my sappiness.

Trust.

It's just going to be a heavy blog post sort of night.

The last few weeks have been such a whirlwind that I don't really now how to feel about any of it. I lost a dear friend and I can put a brave front on about the whole thing and say it doesn't bother me but part of it does. I have some character flaws but being a good friend isn't one of them. I'm that person who people can call no matter if it's 10pm or 9am. It gives me a little bit of solace that one day this said person will realize what exactly they missed out on.

 I have a small circle of close friends for a few reasons. One being I don't like my life being on display to people. And two I don't like running the risk of being hurt by those who once meant something to me. This year I've felt a lot of that. There have been people that have hurt me tremendously either by their words or their actions and each time it happens, it feels like a small piece of your heart is being chipped away. My last relationship really did a number on my heart. At one time, I truly believed in my heart that I would never have to meet another person romantically. Over time, he had my trust but eventually I learned that trust was misplaced on so many levels. And then most recently losing a friend who I trusted incredibly. I trusted that our friendship would be strong and would always remain.

I can feel myself slipping into trusting someone again. As much as I vowed up and down I wouldn't. Not again. Each time that trust is broken, it feels like you're losing a part of yourself. As if you wasted you time on someone who didn't deserve your love, attention, affection, what have you, to begin with.

My heart is tired and my head is confused.

Being Extremely Grateful

I was going to do one big blog post but they're two pretty unrelated things so I figured I'd do two separate ones.

The news of Robin Williams is one that is unbelievably sad. Usually celebrity deaths do not affect me one way or another. They are people who live completely different lives and we only know them via the character they portray in shows or movies. But what is so utterly sad is the fact that Robin Williams made us all laugh yet he dealt with this overwhelming sadness which no one will ever know how great that sadness was. But what is even worse than that is that he felt this overwhelming sadness that he could not escape and the only escape he had was to take his own life.

A few years ago I was a completely different person. I'll premise it by saying I don't know if it was depression, maybe it was, maybe it wasn't.  I just remember feeling such a sadness, a sense of alone. I was an easy target for my peers. I kept to myself, didn't get involved in high school drama, and wasn't the most attractive person to walk the halls. And things at home weren't much better. Between those two forces, I felt this incredible sadness. I felt really alone. I look back on it now, part of it had to do with the fact that I just was more mature than a lot of my peers. I didn't have the energy or care enough to get involved with all the drama. Even that being the case, I was an easy target. Thinking about one instance in particular still makes me tear up a little, this one girl was constantly on me. I came home some days and just cried. In my head I knew it was only temporary but at the time, it felt like it would never end.

I remember one day very clearly. I was in my basement watching General Hospital and this spunky red-haired woman appeared on the TV. I remember thinking "I like her" even though she was just some character on TV. Little did I know at that time she would become such a huge part of my life. At the time, I had no idea that within two years, she would become a dear friend.

Time would pass and I would continue to follow her on the show. And she would do these interviews that would really speak to me. She was more than just someone who played a kickass character on TV, she would be someone I'd to at least meet. I remember sitting in front of my laptop one day, playing one of her interviews where she said "I don't want anything to do with anyone who doesn't want anything to do with me because of the way I look. They are not people of good character and therefore I don't want to associate with them." That has really stuck with me. Even 5 or 6 years later. I don't remember how it started but we began exchanging emails. Then one fall day I got an email about her being in town for a personal appearance. I was so excited. I would finally get to meet someone who I admired, someone who I exchanged countless emails with. I will remember that day for the rest of my life. I was with a bunch of at the time friends when she approached us. Most of them had already met her but she knew who I was right off the bat. She made me stand and gave me the biggest hug imaginable. We all laughed at that table for and when the night was coming to a close, it was sad. But I was incredibly thankful for that day. The next year she came back again and our friendship grew. One summer when I was in LA, she invited me to dinner at her home. I was such in shock. I was in company of her closest friends. We laughed so much that night. Then again last summer she invited me over to her home for dinner. I remember standing in her kitchen, just talking about life, work and anything and everything in between. I smile when I think about the picture we took in her kitchen.

I have also been lucky enough to become friends with one of her friends, who is hands down one of the funniest people I have ever met in my entire life. But aside from her wit, she is the most genuine person. She does funny like no one I've ever met. I've learned a lot from her. Her take on life, friends, just everything is so on point. I will always be forever grateful to Carolyn to introducing me to the sweetheart that is Alex.

I was lucky. I had two amazing people come into my life. People who I value as dear friends.

I'm a different person than I was all those years ago. Am I still insecure about a lot of things? Sure am. Do I wish I was taller, prettier, maybe a little funnier? Sure do. But I don't let those insecurities lessen my worth.

Forgiveness.

A friend of mine recently had a shitty experience about someone she believed to be a friend who treated her pretty badly. While I don't know exactly what happened, she wrote something on Facebook that really just stuck. Forgiveness isn't about the other person. It's something you do for yourself. And at that point, you decide whether or not those persons flaws, despite them trying the best they can mange, are people you want in your life.

It made me think of this past year. It made me think about people I let into my life both relationships and friends. And a lot of it hurt. I don't like being so vulnerable but I was and most of those people turned out to be incredibly shitty. I can forgive them for the crap they did and how badly they made me feel. But you know what's more important than that. I can forgive them because I'm not doing it for their benefit, I'm doing it for mine. But I will never welcome them into my life again. They didn't deserve my time, attention, my kindness or any of that.

I recently lost someone I thought would be a good friend for a very long time. And I'm comfortable enough to admit, I cried a little when I lost that. I'm a very guarded person. I don't let that many people see me emotional. I don't let people in. I've let a few people in over the years, some turned out to be wonderful, people I'd trust with my life. But the ones that hurt me...the ones I let in and still hurt me? Those stung. And I hate being vulnerable because that means I'm allowing myself open to this kind of hurt again. This was kind of one of those. It hurt to know that  despite the honesty, despite the trueness of friendship, it wasn't enough. I now know it has everything to do with him and nothing to do with me. But it hurt like hell.

When I trust people enough to make them a part of my life, when that hurt creeps in, it hurts. I don't trust easily so when I get hurt despite not trusting easily, it kinda hurts.

But you know I've always been a big believer in karma. A few months ago I started talking to someone who never failed to make me smile even on days when that was difficult. Someone who would make me laugh at the lameness of things. Someone who listened to me when not many other people would. It was nice. Incredibly so. He's rare. And I don't know how long he'll be part of my life. But no matter how short or how long that time may be, I'll be thankful for knowing him. He reminds me that, while it can be rare, there are still incredibly good people out there.

Emotional Roller Coaster

So much has happened. And I don't really know how I feel about all of it. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions lately but it has now seemed to even out.

For anyone who knows me even remotely, I'm a loyal friend, first and foremost. I'm the person that people can call whenever, no matter if it's 10pm or 2am. I've always been that good listener, that shoulder to cry on. It all sounds pretty cliche but true. I have a good heart, maybe because I've had so many people treat me less than stellar and I know I never want to make someone feel how previous people had made me feel. Someone I thought was an amazing friend turned out not to be. We were alike in a lot of ways. And maybe that's why we turned out to be good friends. But it took me for a loop when he no longer wanted me as a friend. That was a low blow to the heart because I was probably the best friend he ever had. I was upset at first but the more I thought about it, it didn't even matter because one day he is going to wake up and realize he lost out on an amazing person. And that's not me being self centered. If nothing else, I know I am a good friend, loyal and true to a fault.

Right around the same time, I had a really nice night with someone who has been a friend first and foremost. He's listened to me ramble on about things he probably doesn't even care about and on the few times I've been upset, he's listened. It's been nice. He's nice.  I'll leave it at that for now.

Good for you and also I don't care

In the last few weeks, I've had quite a bit said to me. Some of it has been so beautiful that it touched my soul in such gratifying ways, that I could never articulate through this blog. But other things that have been said have hurt me. Mainly because the things that were said to me were completely off base. And I've tried to remind myself that what that person said to me is more a reflection of their character and not mine. But another part of me is just mind blown that this person thought it was okay to utter such words to another human being and two that I ever wasted any time on this person, who once I believed to be a good person.

I've been lucky to meet so many amazing people the last few years. But there's one I will always be thankful to have met. Alex Alexander. Comedic genius, sweetest gal ever and she is totally the one that everyone wants to be friends with.

I stumbled across one of her essays earlier tonight and it was so fitting, given the bullshit that's been said to me lately. But also it was a great reminder of all the amazing things that have been said to be in the last month. And the most important part isn't that those words were uttered, but more importantly that those words were meant.

So for the good part from my funny girl Alex Alexander! "When someone has something nice to say in a way that makes me believe it, it's the best and my favoritest gift ever."

This has been so true for me lately. This amazing person in my life has told me things that I would never see myself as and the really amazing part is that it's genuine.

Now the not so good part. But it is good in a way because I refuse to let some *insert expletive* offbase opinion bother me.

"Other people can think whatever they want, and say whatever they want, to whomever they want, about me. Those people who are going to like me are going to do that no matter what someone else says."

It was just totally fitting. And completely put things into perspective.

Being Grateful and Thankful

Wow. I don't really know where to begin. I have so much gratefulness running through me as I sit on this flight from Los Angeles. I'm flying over somewhere in Denver and I find myself looking out the window, taking in the beautiful blue skies, the clouds that surround me and letting out a sigh, a content sigh. Sometimes we tend to get so wrapped up in the day to day operations of life, that we forget to be thankful for what we have. And this past week has reminded me to be thankful for those in my life, what I have and who I am.

My plans shifted a bit but isn't that how it always is. I had planned to go to LA for a few days and then off to Fremont CA for a charity event type. The latter of those plans got shifted due to a friend's schedule being changed. So instead, I went to LA a few days early to surprise a friend who does a comedy show. I had thought about coming but hadn't figured out the details just yet. But after a flight change and all of that, I landed in Los Angeles with a few hours to kill. After getting settled and all of that, I made my way to the comedy theatre to surprise her. There were huge hugs, smiles, giggles and I even experienced my first earthquake. The theme of her show was time BUT the message I came away with was ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WHAT WE SAY. We made plans to try and grab coffee during my stay in LA but with her schedule comes unexpected surprises.

The days went on and I spent time at beautiful Manhattan beach. It really is breath taking. It reminded me to be grateful....just to take a deep breath and be grateful no matter what.

The reason for coming to LA was that my favorite Carolyn  would be hosting the Indie Series Awards. And one of my true blue girls was granted access to the press and asked if I'd like to come along. Like I would pass that up. So I enjoyed the next few days. I picked her up Tuesday and Tuesday night was the nominee pre-party. We were allowed to go and we mixed and mingled with the web series creators, writers and actors. And of course, the host of the ISA's, my dear Carolyn.

We laughed, caught up and just enjoyed the evening. We said our goodbyes as I knew I would see her on the red carpet before the ceremony the following night.

Oh boy...what can I say about the red carpet. Carolyn looked AMAZING. The press was all over the place, some more respectable than others and I'll leave it at that. The red carpet lasted for close to two hours, as the talent made their way down the red carpet. I met Christian LeBlanc for a split second and it was AHMAZING. Like I adore him so I was totally freaking out. Sean Kanan, John J York and Darin Brooks were also there. John York sat behind us for the actual ceremony.

The above picture of Christian is when he was teasing my friend about being so short. It was classic. After the red carpet came the awards. Carolyn's monologue was FLAWLESS. Freakin' flawless. If you can find it online, watch it. SO good. After the ceremony, most of the soap stars had left as it was in the middle of the week and most of them had early call times. We chatted with some people, enjoyed the ambiance before we, too, called it a night.

I have to admit, I was a little bummed at this point. I hadn't had a chance to say goodbye to Carolyn because I was leaving in two days and she was swamped with work. But I was super excited for the next day as I would be grabbing coffee and sweets with my LA comedian friend  from a few nights ago. We laughed so much, talked about life, the behavior of people and how it baffles us and it just was wonderful, truly wonderful. I will forever hold that conversation to my heart.

As we're laughing over tea and cake, her phones buzzes to indicate an email and it's Carolyn. We continue to talk, laugh and catch up and Carolyn calls. We giggled because we had been talking about her. She had just finished up on a set and she wasn't too far from where we were and she tells Alex she's coming. Carolyn came and hugged us when she arrived. We dished about everything, life, the awards, everything under the sun. Alex had to leave but Carolyn and I stayed to talk a little longer. I am so grateful for her. The fact that she came to see us, after being on a set all day, means more than words can ever adequately explain.

After we talked for a little longer, we said our goodbyes, hugged then hugged some more.

At the end of this year, it'll be 6 years since I met Carolyn for the first time. When I first met her, NEVER EVER did I think she would hold me in such a high regard. She helped me through so much in those early years of our friendship and she continues to inspire me every single day. There is never a day I take our friendship for granted. She once told me that she was so thankful for me but I'm the one who is thankful.

GH Habitat 2014

GH Habitat. BEST DAY EVER.

Okay. I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible but it was such a rewarding, amazing day.

So a whole bunch of GH cast was supposed to be there. I was mainly there for Maura West because I LOVE her. She is CRAZY TALENTED. I could write a whole blog post about her but I won't for now. So my friend and I get there and we find out Maura West isn't coming. We were so bummed. We had been tweeting her for months about how excited we were. And she follows both of us on twitter...we would never dare to message her because we're not like that. But we both messaged her & said how much we were going to miss her at habitat. She messages my friend back and goes "I'm on my way...in traffic". WE ALMOST DIED.

So as that went on, some of the actors started to show up. RICK HEARST SHOWED UP GUYS. Like I almost passed out. I did my whole fangirl thing and was like omg Rick's here.

So Maura shows up and me and my friend are like omg Maura West..omg. So we break up into groups for the day and at first I didn't realize who's group we were in. But we were in Rick's. And I was like oh my gosh. Rick saw me and was like "hey...how are you?" He knows me from different events and stuff. Maura walks by and we get her in our group for .5 seconds before the Habitat people need her for another task.

So we get to painting, my friend and I. And one of the Habitat guys keeps teasing us, calling us trouble. And I hear Rick from the other end go "you better watch that Erika, she's trouble." We bursted out laughing. As the morning went on, my friend and I were like "we had Maura West in our group and we lost her." We didn't even get a chance to introduce ourselves to her. So this guy who works for Habitat, the one who kept messing with us all day heard us and was like "I'll find her for you guys." We just laughed because we didn't think he was serious.

Not even 20 minutes later he brought MAURA WEST over to us. HE BROUGHT DAYTIME EMMY WINNER MAURA WEST OVER TO US. LIKE WHAT?! I looked at my friend and go "Maura is coming over here..omg." We're freaking out and she comes over to us and we tell her our names and she's like "you girls are the best. I see your tweets all the time and I appreciate your support so much."

THEN. SHE PULLS OUR HER CELL PHONE AND TAKES A SELFIE ON HER PHONE WITH US. WE ALMOST DIED. SHE WAS AH-MAZING.

It's late on the west coast so I need to go to bed. But I'm so blessed.

SO Blessed.

Gosh, it's so easy to get wrapped up in life that sometimes we tend to forget how blessed we are. We often times look at someone else and think, oh I wish I could be that person or have what they have. And more often than not, we forget to just be thankful for what we have. I sit here and write this, feeling so very blessed. This weekend I traveled up to NY and NJ to see Scott & Emily Reeves. I've been a big supporter of Scott since his GH days and even when he left GH I continued and continue to follow him because of his gracious spirit. He is so talented but also completely genuine. He appreciates his fans more than anything else.

When I showed up in CT the other day, Em & Scott were already there and we chatted for a bit. And later that night, I was in the hall for something & Em was all like, I'm so glad you're here. They are just so gracious and humble. It's amazing.

Last night was my favorite though. There were only like 15 of us. Most of the people I knew. And Scott was up there saying how sometimes he talks too much and my friend Kathy and I looked at each other and were like, really? No..not Scott. (LOL) He saw us laughing and he called us out. It was too funny.

I'm just so blessed to know him and his beautiful family. I can't wait until March!

Below are some photos from this weekend!