My story....

I wouldn't say my life is perfect. What does perfection even mean? But it certainly is better. It was not always that way and here's my story. 

There are a lot of gaps and it doesn't necessarily matter to me anymore. It used to mean a lot though. I always wanted to know every detail but I learned along the way that it didn't matter. Me knowing every part of my childhood was not going to change anything. 

My parents were toxic for each other. They were two people who should have never been together. But they were. My dad was so bitter about his childhood that I guess it just transcended into his adult life. He was not a good person. He is basically a stranger to me and I wouldn't have it any other way because as a young child I was at the wrath of his anger.  

My mother had a problem with alcohol from the time she was my age. She also has bipolar disorder so growing up the mix of those two were toxic. I don't remember many incidents with her but when I was in second grade, she left. My parents had split and she had left to do whatever she was doing at the time. My dad took us to my grandmother's and left us there. He floated in and out of our life for a few years but as I grew older, I was pissed. I was pissed he moved halfway across the country with his new wife. He lied about a cancer diagnosis. 

Being a new kid in a new school in a new city as a second grader was hard. Fuck, school was hard when you don't fit in. If you're quiet, you're an easy target. And it was hard until high school. High school I met people who I can call friends who made me realize there was more to life than my current situation. The people who bullied me did so because they hated themselves so much. At the time, it was hard to grasp that but as time passed it became true. 

For so long I was angry at my mother for so many things. I eventually came around and realized she has a disease but that doesn't wipe away everything. Forgiveness is so hard but it's do-able. And just because I forgave didn't mean I forgot. 

The greatest lesson I ever learned was be kind to everyone because you have no idea what they're facing. I ran into people on campus, at work, even during my summers in California I would secretly judge them. If they didn't like me, I would bad mouth them to my friends. I learned that they might be fighting battles of their own and their opinion of me has nothing to do with me actually, more so to do with them and the people they are. 

Despite everything, I consider myself lucky. I have stumbled across people who have taught me the true meaning of friendship, love and acceptance. And the best days are the days that I feel their love and friendship surrounding me. 

The terrible tragedy in Virginia is so sad. So many reasons. It's so sad that two people who were doing their job were killed in such a senseless way. They were pretty close to my age so that thought is so sad. They had their whole lives ahead of them. Like I don't understand, you wake up one morning and go to work and you never come home to the people you love.

But I think the saddest part is that they were so happy with their significant others. They were so in love with their boyfriend and fiancée. Maybe it hits me different because I'm in love but it's so sad. You never know about the future, you don't know how long you'll be with said person but all that matters is right now you love them and they're important to you. I can't even imagine the sadness that their significant others are feeling. At the end of the day, little fights and disagreements don't even matter. The little things that make you mad for a few minutes are so not important. Just hold those you love close and let them know how much you love them.

My boyfriend texted me that he loved me today and I just started tearing up. I hear it all the time from him but today it made me emotionally.

Just let people know how much you love them.

My Love Letter to the Transgender Community.

It was only a few weeks ago when I was informed that we would have a large Transgender group staying at our property, we had a meeting on sensitivity training and the few days that they would stay finally arrived. It was probably the busiest week of my life. The days were long, tiring but at the end of those days I felt so humbled. They were the sweetest people I have ever encountered. I got to know some of them and their souls were just that of good people.

During our sensitivity meeting, one of the heads of the group told us that 40% of trans attempt/commit suicide. That's almost half of the community and the number didn't really mean something to me until this week. I met these wonderful people, people who were born as a gender they don't identify themselves to be. I can't even begin to imagine that. A few weeks ago there was a teen suicide of a young male who felt as female and wanted to transition as such but because of religious values amongst her family, it would never be possible. Throughout these last few days, that just sat in the back of mind. I found myself wondering out of all the people I met, how many had tried to take their own life. I'd like to hope none but that's my wishful thinking.

Today was emotional, I watched friends say goodbye to one another and the sadness that lingered was crushing. I had to think, if it was emotional for me, I couldn't even imagine how emotional it was for all of them.

There were about four individuals that just touched my soul and by meeting them, I know I have become a better person. They just had a profound affect on me.

One woman had killer nails on a few days ago and I complimented her on them. She proceeded to tell me that they were just stick on nails. She smiled and told me she'd bring me some. Not even two hours later, she came back down and gave me some. As I saw her for the last time today as she was leaving, she was dressed back in her 'normal' clothes as a man. I don't know if he dresses in drag or if he is wanting to become a woman but either way, it touched my soul because this person was just one of many who find themselves in the wrong body and this weekend was a chance for them to express themselves.

I think the one that really got to me was this woman who was just so sad to say goodbye to the other girls and everyone else. She said "I hate saying goodbye to friends", I watched as hugs were exchanged in the lobby and it was just one of those things where I found myself overcome with emotion. I am glad this conference exists, I am glad I got to witness people enjoying themselves and being able to express for who they really are.

There is one saying that has always been my guiding point but after this week even more so. "Be kind to everyone you meet because everyone is facing a battle you know nothing about."

I hope I will meet these people again but until then, I hope you live your life in a way that makes you happy because at the end of the day, that is all that matters.