September 4-8

I'm probably going to cry as I write this but I'm going to try not to. This has been the most wonderful couple of days. Wednesday night was so much fun: crazy but fun. I got to meet Alanna Powell who is the founder of Boldly Me: google them. They do amazing work and I love reading their daily aspirations on facebook. And then there's Carolyn. I got the biggest hug from her. If that was the only thing I did this trip, it was worth it. Whenever I'm in her presence, I just feel so much love. There aren't enough words to really explain it but it's a sort of feeling knowing that another person appreciates you for who you are and what you do.

Then the next day we had lunch. Granted I was super late because of LA traffic and I felt SO bad but it was THE best two hours ever. We laughed so much and again, my heart is just so thankful.

In October, it'll be five years since I met Carolyn. Knowing her has changed me completely. She has taught me so much about myself.

For anyone who knows the song from Wicked "For Good", it kind of makes me think of all of this. "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

The photo below is from Bingo night on Wednesday. Someone at our table snapped it and it's just kinda perfect.

Blessed.

I meant to start writing this the other day but never had the chance. But I'm glad because there's so much more to say now.

I've been waiting for September because I'd be going to LA for a few days. The night before leaving, I was working and one of the girls was so upset. Her mother lives in another country and my co-worker is unable to travel. The whole situation is so sad. It made me think: my mom only lives 30 minutes away and I can see her practically whenever. This all just opened my eyes that  I have to be more appreciative in my daily life.

Yesterday I got to LA and it was wonderful. And today....there are no words for today. I could just cry thinking about it. I am just incredibly lucky for the things I have in my life and the people. I can say proudly that I am content with my life and today...I am joyously happy.

9.5.13

Confidence

Some days I struggle with self confidence but I came across this yesterday. It'll be a daily reminder for me to be more confident.

2:30 AM Thoughts

I decided I was going to start blogging more even though no one really reads my blog, it's a good way for me to just think outloud, well here...you get the picture. Probably my best and worst quality is that I'm too kind. Good in the way that I'm always there for my friends and family when they need me but also it's my worst quality because it hurts my heart when those same actions are not reciprocated. In July, I talked privately with someone and in those 15 minutes alone with her, she genuinely cared about my life, about my plans and ABOUT ME. And I honestly cannot remember the last time someone did that. I don't expect a lot from people but when I care about someone, I at least expect them to care about me in return. There's a few people I want to talk generally about, people who have brought up these unsettling feelings within me.

1. A few years ago, I met someone who at the time was in all accounts a good friend. But recently, even though I've been extremely happy with the things going on in my life, it didn't feel as if she was happy for me. And I've realized maybe it's jealousy, who knows. But after awhile, it becomes exhausting when you are happy yet your "friend" doesn't share that. I've become tired of always reaching out. Maybe she'll get the hint, or maybe she won't.

 2. I have been planning my September trip to LA since about May. I bought tickets for Blake Shelton here at home and I invited my aunt. But over these last few months, it doesn't seem as if we're close at all. I'm always the one reaching out, calling. If it wasn't for me calling, I'd never hear from her. I've been stressing out lately about my return flight from LA and have been like "Oh, I have to get home for the concert" and all this and that. Today I realized why should I even care. Why should I cut my trip to LA short to rush home to attend a concert with someone who doesn't reach out to me. Maybe she'll get the hint and reach out to me. If she does, great...if not, then that's her loss.

 3. Probably the one that hurts more than anything else. My aunt and I have always been close. She's been like the sister I don't have, friend and mom my whole life. She was having problems in her life a few months ago and then there was such a shift. We used to hang out all the time and suddenly we didn't. At the time, I was going through my own stress but it finally subsided when I got a job that I just love. And the same applies here, if I don't reach out to her, I don't hear from her. Why is that? Why do I always have to be the one to care about people. Not that anything exciting is going on in my life...basically work and sleep right now but it's the thought. Anyway, back to the story. When she stayed with us for a few days in June, she was constantly on her phone texting like some high school aged girl. I knew right then she had a man in her life. Good for her, great for her honestly. But when you become so self obsorbed in your personal life that you no longer take time for family, people begin to notice.

It's just heavy on the heart to know that someone I see maybe four times a year if I'm lucky took more interest in my life and ME than the people who are supposedly closest with me, it strikes a nerve. And maybe I'm oversensitive. That could always be the case. Or it could just have opened my eyes. In the meantime, I've de-friended the three above. I'm sure they'll notice that and I'll get messages like: are you mad? Why did you defriend me? I haven't thought about what I'll say but hopefully something witty will come to me. If anything at all, I hope it opens their eyes to their behavior. Maybe it will and maybe it won't but I am glad I am able to see it for what it is. It's 2:30 AM, I'm exhausted. Maybe I'll try going to bed now.

Best California Trip Ever.

Every July I go to California for Fan Club Weekend and as much as I love it, most years it is just an okay trip because I have to deal with fans who are rude. But I can honestly say this was the best trip ever. Sure, I saw those people on occasion but it truly didn't matter because I was happy. I don't know how many pictures I'll end up posting here but for now I'll post two.

Carolyn. I could talk about her forever but I'll try to keep this short and sweet. I've known her almost as long as she's been on GH, a few months less give or take. I liked GH before she came on but she made me love GH and more importantly I adore her. She has done so much for me over these last few years and I am just so thankful to her. I can't really put into words what she means to me but she means a heck of a lot. Whenever I'm around her, I just feel so much better about myself and she radiates this light that I can never really explain. Before her event, I saw her outside of the event room and we hugged and I was so happy to see her. And that night, a bunch of us just talked for hours and it was amazing. I will always be thankful to her for how much she has impacted my life. I didn't get a picture with her friend Alex but I LOVE HER. Alex is a comedy genius. I met her last year at lunch and just adored her. She's hysterically funny and probably one of the most down to earth people on the planet. And she does this comedy show every month and ever since last year we had talked about my going and I finally went. It was laugh out loud funny. Carolyn couldn't make it but Alex was so wonderful. I stayed two hours after the show with some of her friends and we laughed and Alex made me feel so comfortable. Then she came to dinner with Carolyn and her other friends and I was so excited to see her. Her shows are always at the end of the month so it's a drag that whenever I go to LA outside of GH weekend, it's usually at the beginning or middle of the month. But I am so glad I got to spend time with her<3 Then there's Rick Hearst. When I started watching GH years ago, the only thing I remember is that Rick's character of Ric was crazy and he had Carly in a panic room. But during the last few years Rick was on the show they tried to redeem him a lot and I just miss him from the show. He's an incredible actor and he's probably my favorite male actor ever, maybe second next to Derk and Scott Reeves. I was so nervous seeing him again and my friend Kim was in line with me. I got up there and I told him how nervous I was and he gave me the BIGGEST HUG imaginable. And that what is pictured here.

He signed a picture I bought as well as a picture from the last event of Carolyn's that he came to a few years ago. He is just totally awesome. I can't wait to go back to LA in less than a month<3

ellen about bullying.

I just watched a clip from today's show of Ellen. She had on two parents, whose child killed himself because of being bullied. He had aspergers. It's a less intense form of autism and basically means these kids are socially awkward but are intellectually smart. My cousin has aspergers too. She is so smart but she gets uncomfortable with people she doesn't know. I just want to hug all these kids who are being bullied.

High school is said to be the best years of your life. But for some people they are the worst. If you're not pretty, "normal," and everything else people expect you to be then you are picked on. And now it's starting even younger. These kids have bright futures ahead of them. They have a destinty to be something beautiful and wonderful in the world. And these kids feel so alone. It breaks my heart.

It does get better. One day, you're going to be far away from that high school and all those bullies. And your life is going to be great. And suicide is never the answer. never. There are people who love you so very much.

High school was terrible. I hated it. I never thought of suicide but there were days I'd come home, crying. I would just lay in bed and cry. And I couldn't even picture graduating and getting away from all the people who would say nasty things to me. But that is behind me. Now I am in love with my life, the people in my life. I had people who loved me, who inspired me and they made me realize that everything was going to be okay.

And with social media now, bullying is even more accessible. People I no longer speak with still say mean things about me. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt, it does. People don't like me because of who I am and that's okay. But I know I'm much better than all the mean things people say.

I just want to hug all those kids who are made fun of because they're not what society expects them to be. They are perfect and special and that is all that matters.

randomness and happiness

One little change has the ability to affect our lives so greatly, make us happier, and I didn't even realize that until recently. Just a semester ago, I found myself miserable with school, not grade wise, just content wise. My grades were where I wanted them but being at that university was just a miserable experience. And sure, living on campus that first year was great.

But now, I found myself smiling when I wake up. Believe me, my life isn't easy. My course load is difficult and there is so much reading even this soon in the semester but that isn't bothering me. It's helping me become a better student, opening my horizons. And I have so many credits to fulfill in the next two years since I'm a double major, Early Education and English and going through the licensure program. So there's a lot to do but I'm enjoying it. And I'm going to need to take winter courses during winter break later this year but all of that is okay with me because I feel blessed. I am at a school where I genuinely feel happy. It's been a while since I felt complete with my life as a whole. And sure, stressful times will come. But when you have the privilege to feel happy with you life, you take those stressful times with stride because it will pass.

It took me a little while to get to a place where I truly feel happy with my life, with myself and the people around me.