Trust.

It's just going to be a heavy blog post sort of night.

The last few weeks have been such a whirlwind that I don't really now how to feel about any of it. I lost a dear friend and I can put a brave front on about the whole thing and say it doesn't bother me but part of it does. I have some character flaws but being a good friend isn't one of them. I'm that person who people can call no matter if it's 10pm or 9am. It gives me a little bit of solace that one day this said person will realize what exactly they missed out on.

 I have a small circle of close friends for a few reasons. One being I don't like my life being on display to people. And two I don't like running the risk of being hurt by those who once meant something to me. This year I've felt a lot of that. There have been people that have hurt me tremendously either by their words or their actions and each time it happens, it feels like a small piece of your heart is being chipped away. My last relationship really did a number on my heart. At one time, I truly believed in my heart that I would never have to meet another person romantically. Over time, he had my trust but eventually I learned that trust was misplaced on so many levels. And then most recently losing a friend who I trusted incredibly. I trusted that our friendship would be strong and would always remain.

I can feel myself slipping into trusting someone again. As much as I vowed up and down I wouldn't. Not again. Each time that trust is broken, it feels like you're losing a part of yourself. As if you wasted you time on someone who didn't deserve your love, attention, affection, what have you, to begin with.

My heart is tired and my head is confused.